CLOSING DOORS TO OPEN WINDOWS

Trying out some of the new changes on this blog site :-). Anyway, I want to share what I have been going through during my healing time from my surgery. I have been thinking a lot about what God has shown me what is waiting for little man and I in Chicago. Something happened where one of the paths I was shown has shifted and I do not know the direction now but I am okay with it because all of Gods works for us have been perfect. Another shifting is that my love to move to Ireland was not granted. Ireland is in a horrible state of affairs about like this country is and it broke my heart to have that journey denied but it is for the best...so I am seeking prayer on moving to Australia to be with my awesome sister in Christ Vikki. I have known her on fb for over 4 yrs. now. She has seen me at my best and worst and has stood by me through it all. I love her so much. So praying Australia is a place I can go to in the next few years. God's will not mine. And right now I have to focus on Chicago for little man and I. 


Once we get there...I will be granted a time frame of relaxing but not long because there is a lot of work to be done. One thing I have to do is close some doors and open some windows to my life. One door I have to close is to visit my parents grave site. It is a mixed bag of why I have to go there. One being I want them to both see what they failed at making me and what God succeeded at building up and still continues to build. I want to take some time to cry for the sadness of actually missing them despite their evil, wicked ways. They are missing out on one awesome daughter lol...they are missing out on some awesome grand kids. And I have to let that all go. And I want to tell them that I do love them...despite their sickness in life I have found love for them in my heart. Like I said a mixed bag of things for this door to close.


Another door to close is the fear I have about my moms side of the family. Some cousins I kinda remember as a child. Bits and pieces of memories but good memories. They are a very close knit family. I want to meet them all again. I want to have that "family" connection dad denied me as a kid from everyone. It may not be the close bond they have together but it will be a connection. I am scared because I have been a loner all my life for the most part and that family thing just sends chills down my spine lol...I will be nervous but again it is to close the door on my fear and open the window to new relationships. 


So two hurdles that I know of that God will see me through!! I am so excited about this journey. I have to do this in order to be uplifted to the next level God has waiting for me. My heart has to be completely pure. I am right where God wants me to be in his will. He has me built up from nothing to something that will shine his truth even brighter than before. I live to glorify his name. My journey is for a higher purpose in his will for us. And what a journey it has been!! God bless to you all!! 

Release Me!

Been a busy month for me with it not slowing up..but that is okay. I prefer it like that. I really dislike the area I live in and keeping busy keeps my mind off the fact that I am still existing in this pit lol. One of the things that has happened to me this month was with my dad. I remember falling asleep and waking up a bit later but with the presence of my dad in the room. Let me explain how I feel where and what my dad is. My dad was very evil on this earth. One of the most vile evil demons to be allowed up from the pits of Hell. My dad killed himself proclaiming to me that he would get me in death as he tried in life for ruining him. I turned my dad in for incest/molesting/raping/physically abusing me and at that point the demon that consumed my dad hated me for breaking the generations of abuse he has inflicted upon my dads side of the family. And this demon that consumed my father came to me when my dad killed himself and this demon walked with me till I found God and that really angered this demon...I call this demon my dad because that is all I knew of my dad was this demon. So henceforth I call this demon my father. Back to when I woke up and felt this demon, my father, in the room...I not only felt him but I smelled him...my father had a particular scent..whether demons have scents I do not know but this demon did. At the time I woke up sensing his presence I felt the hand of God wrap around me tightly with a static of ready for war feeling...but I also felt this demon and what it was feeling...it was submissive. It knew the hand of God was around me. It knew the King of Kings was its true God. And in this submissive feeling I also felt and heard this demon or my father speak to me. He said he was sorry for all that he had done to me and had tried to do. He knew I forgave him years ago but I wanted to say he was sorry and he also said that he was proud of what I had become in Christ. And I felt this apology was true and from the man my father was supposed to be while he was alive. At this turning point I felt sorrow. Sorrow because I know what my father is and whom he serves in Hell. He will never know the Glory of God truly like I have experienced on this earth. And I started to cry. Cry for joy that this demon was done with me, crying because this demon was sentenced to a life of misery and slave to the Devil. In that moment I became grateful to my Father that he saved me from that afterlife sentence. I prayed and gave thanks for all that I have been allowed to have in the light of God and to share it with others.

Now this demon left me. And joy of the Lord filled me. I cannot say this demon, my father will not try again to attack me as he is a servant of the Devil. I am sure the Devil tortured my father because of his submissiveness to the will of God. But that is the price one pays with not walking with God while on this earth. Once you die without taking God into your life and saving you...you are unsavable. You end up like my father. This was a significant event because it shows me that my path with God is even stronger. It shows me he loves me and highly favors me. And the peace this gave me was amazing.

God is moving me along closing this chapter of my life to ready me for the next chapter. Another event that happened this month is God shown me more of my journey for when little man and I make our move to Chicago. In our lives in Chicago God revealed to me that Chicago holds love of a family, meaning those at SOF. Let me go back a bit. Before I moved to Pa I stood at a cross roads in life. And Pa was not on God's agenda for myself and my kids. But I ignored the will of God for me and I came to Pa. This so angered God that I was defiant. He punished me for not following him. But in that punishment I grew because I had to strip myself of who I was and become a new person in God. In my time here, even though I really strongly disliked it here, God has formed me into who he wants me to be. I have learned patience, faith, love, humility, to be humble...to live in the today and what I have. Not materialism nor living on pride. I was stripped of money, possessions, my children in order for God to grasp me fully. And because of my obedience to him, my faith in trust in him...with time he gave me what I needed to live through him. He built me up to who I am now. I got my kids back, I regained financial stability, I have the possessions I need. My wants are what God wants for me. Nothing more. I crave only his knowledge and wisdom...which I have gained much with lots more to come.

Now back to what the good Lord has shown me he has in store for little man and I . Because of my change and full faith in him these past years he took me on a trip of what he has in store. He led me to SOF which has become a family to me. He shown me how he is going to continue to work in me to shine his light brighter than ever to reach those Satan has under his veil of darkness....I will get to finish my book up and with some media contacts I have stored away it will take flight and sore to heights even I have dreamed about. I will get to take my dream of speaking about what my journey has been to others...he shown me a good mass of people who will come hear me...some will still turn from God and some will come to his will for them. He shown me SOF will play an intricate part of little man's and my life with my ministry in guiding and teaching people. SOF is going to grow fast! God has his hand on that ministry!!

 His miracles and blessings can come from anywhere!! I found my church family through the social media site at Facebook. I have been led to many brothers and sisters in Christ on Facebook. I was led to an amazing mentor of a woman. Prophetess Sherry. One amazing woman of God. And there have been others God has used from time to time to mentor me for a short season. I praise God for them all!!

I have to still take the last steps to remove the physical scars my dad left on me...I have having all my adult teeth removed and having false teeth put in...I was embarrassed about it at first and humiliated but God said not to be...if people judge me because of this then they were never my true friends. He shown me what I will look like after all is said and done and I had the biggest smile on my face and I was so beautiful inside and out...brightly shining a light that blinded even me at the time he was blessing me with this vision. I was fit and toned up...I had a huge smile and I looked just wow lol...and I went yesterday and dove in got my hair cut and styled. It was a shock to loose 5 inches of hair but once I got to playing with it and styling on my own...I even bought make up...and after experimenting I looked in the mirror and again cried tears of joy because I began to see that same beautiful woman God has shown me some time ago. And I thanked God right there and then.

My journey is about over here. My new journey is about to begin. This move is in the will of God. My whole life now is in the will of God. I am excited about all he has in store for little man and I. The new family in Christ, .so many other things....just amazing...God is amazing, awesome, wonderful, beautiful!! His works are awesome if we just wait in his timing!!  There is life after even the severest of abuses like mine as a child!! There is love, there is smiles, there is laughter, there is sunshine and no more darkness!! That is my story so far....to be continued...may you all be truly Godly blessed!!

Life is not a dream sweetheart...but it is one amazing journey to walk through with God

Been awhile since I have been on here to write...so much going on in life today...I had suffered a minor stroke and that set me back a bit but I have and will over come it one day at a time through Christ. Seems the stronger my faith in God the stronger Satan tries to come at me full force. In my old days I would have retreated to the bottle of Vodka and sat there while the world crumbled around me...I am so proud of myself for how far I have come in my walk with Christ. It has not been a bed of roses nor does God promise a bed of roses walk. There will be trials and tribulations to go through. It is what happens in that trial that determines the outcome so to speak. I hung on to faith through everything that Satan through at me...I clung to God like glue...followed his will/listened to him kept my eyes on the cross and all that struggling God is paying me off not only with wisdom/knowledge from him but I am starting to reap further benefits.

I have been blessed to find a church in Chicago, I have been blessed with my ex husband finally turning in the papers that will allow me to get what is half rightfully mine from the divorce after 11 years of waiting and the latter of that I let go and let God have it all and he delivered to me big time....myself and little man are moving to Chicago this summer to start our lives over with a very well grounded group of people that is so walking with God. God led me to them and am making actual friendships with people there. He will be delivering myself and little man out of this pit that is sick with Satan. My oldest is going to stay put here and finish out college then head to Tx to finish up her studies. My 16 year old son is headed to Tx to live with his dad...another let go and let God handle situation. It will be just myself and little man in a few months.

I am so looking forward to this new chapter in our lives. I have walked a long, hard, rough, lonely path and now because of my faithfulness I am being rewarded 2 fold for what I have sowed...I have slipped a few times but I got right back up to walk with God again. He forgave me every time I fell and I learned from that fall. Will life be a bed of roses yet, no. I will still have a road of roughness and struggle sometimes...but it will be a whole lot easier to walk because God is with me. And this next chapter is going to be filled with a lot more happiness and wonders bestowed on me from above. He is so moving in our lives that my head is spinning with all the blessings he has allowed me to have and continue to have. This move to Chicago brings about so many new things for little man and myself...gonna be wonderful to experience.

In Chicago once I get settled I will get back to work on what God has in store for me one being the book..I want to finish it up by fall to get it out to the public and schedule some speaker sessions to tell my story to those under the veil of darkness Satan has over them. That is all I have been shown in regard to the path God has me on. He has shown me other things and people that are going to be so intricate in mine and little mans life...going to be one amazing journey with more to learn and grow from.

Anyone going through Hell just keep going...you will come through...keep faith in God and he will guide you to his knowledge and wisdom...and those 2 things are the most precious of gifts he could bestow on his children. Life is so good. I have walked through Hell and even parked there for awhile in my life but I learned that I didn't have to stay there. I got out from alcoholism/depression among other things...I am not who I was nor am I who my biological father wanted me to be...I am who my Heavenly Father molded to be in his image. It can be done...I was severely sexually abused at the hands of my bio dad and several members of his side of the family from age 2 to 17...was it easy to get out of that statistic yes it was...but I did it.....I walk a path of happiness and love. I still have challenges but I know how to handle them. God put people in my life to learn how to do all sorts of things in all sorts of situations. I thank God for these people. And pray that my story can reach even one who is under the veil of darkness by Satan. Thank you and God bless.

FEAR TACTICS

I am going to be sharing my thoughts on the Sandusky child sex abuse scandal. I have been observing the story closely since it has broke. Now it is just "alleged" at this stage that Sandusky is a child predator, but I do believe that he will have this label by law soon. This whole situation has disgusted me, enraged me, saddened me. The basic message has gotten lost with riots, fights, mud slinging between adults. It makes me want to reach through each internet portal and grab these fools and knock some sense into their heads.

When it this Board of Trustees convened and announced that Paterno was fired and Dr. Spanier was let go, people started lighting up the internet with outrage at Paterno's firing. Let me go back a bit....McQueary "allegedly" found Sandusky raping a child in the showers on Penn State Campus. McQueary reported it to Paterno and then Paterno told a superior about it. And from this point it was swept under the rug...whatever motive or reason it went hush hush. And no matter what the reason or motive it was the wrong thing to do. I am guessing Sandusky has "allegedly" been raping boys for many many years. He set up some sort of foundation in 77 for kids. It is "alleged" that this foundation was his front for raping innocent underprivileged boys. How Dr. Spanier came into the knowledge of Sandusky raping boys is something I do not know but he knew of Sandusky's sins but chose to sweep it under the rug. Even after McQueary "allegedly" witnessed this "alleged" rape of a child, Sandusky was continuing to use Penn State Campus and nothing more was said until it broke out to the public.

Once it broke out to the public, everyone from people to media immediately went after Paterno, asking why did Paterno not do anything more to help those "alleged" victims of Sandusky. Nobody seemed to go after any of the others that were mentioned in a Grand Jury report that knew about Sandusky's sins. Paterno looked like the only bad guy via the media. And the public that has loved Paterno for 61 years of him being the head coach at Penn State started to go on the defensive and fighting back. On the WJAC TV Facebook page there has been name calling, mud slinging, blaming...some supporting Paterno some against him. Both sides going at it of who is wrong and who was right...what should be done and what shouldn't be done. Then Paterno gets abruptly fired. And the fight amongst people got worse....students at Penn State rioted...tossing news vehicles over, throwing rocks at reporters, breaking windows and trying to start things on fire. All because Paterno was fired. And then an up rise of why the others that knew were not fired or let go. Dr. Spanier was let go at the same time as Paterno but it was kept, like under wraps of some sort. The media did not camp out on Spanier's lawn like they did Paterno. They have not reported the moves of McQueary nor camped out on his lawn. And the biggest surprise is they had not once followed Sandusky but just a few brief shots of him handcuffed and being led into the Magistrates office and then he bailed out. Not one utter of a report on his goings and doings. The local media here even reported when a light would go on in Paterno's house. And the clashings are still going on. People mud slinging, name calling over who and what should be done to the ones that knew about Sandusky's sins. Paterno still being haled as a hero or bad guy for what he did or didn't do. Riots, threats of violence at some game tomorrow.....

In the above is all going on, not once were the victims mentioned. Because of all the mud slinging and ridiculous fighting over the who and what should have done. These are my views on all in this mess. Those who knew about Sandusky's sins from McQueary, Paterno, Paterno's superior, the President of the College, Dr. Spanier and a couple of others should have all been punished equally and all should have been fired. The only reason I can see that these people kept Sandusky's sins quiet is so their reputations would not be tarnished. After all, Penn State has a beloved coach that has been there for 61 years. So they have a tradition and honor to uphold. And for it to be tarnished with a scandal of an "alleged" child rapist, oh my. They could not see that that happen. So they all took a pact, yes a pact, to throw Sandusky's victims under a rug and walked on them. After all they are just underprivileged nobodies.

Well, lies will always come out one way or another. And the lies came out. All those victims that Sandusky raped/molested, all those voices squelched with fear of telling, all those tears of pain...that rug they were swept under and stepped on has finally started to been lifted up for the dirt to come out. But because of all the bickering and mud slinging that rug was once again put down for society to walk on again. They forgot about the innocent again. Amongst the blaming, fighting, arguing, mudslinging...those victims were thrown under that rug again. Society is more worried about how Paterno was dealt a low blow or how the others are not targeted by the media. How unfair it all is that some are being treated like scoundrels and some are left alone. It is not about reputations or beloved public figures. It is about the victims.

We need to come together and offer support, love to Sandusky's victims. We need to be sending the message that no matter who you are or what position you hold in society you cannot cover that act of sex abuse against a child. And if you do, you will suffer the consequences at some point in time in life. And it usually has horrible consequences for more than those that were involved in the cover up. Penn State might loose funding which effects students. It is sad but that is the repercussions of keeping a secret. Sandusky's victims need to be shown that it is okay to come forward. All the bickering and fighting is causing victims to feel the same fear as when they were told to keep quiet about what had happened to them. They were probably told that their families would be ashamed of them and that people would make fun of them...and what people here are doing are only reinforcing that fear to not come forward for fear of persecution of some sort. So those that are arguing and bickering, mud slinging, name calling, rioting etc...need to stop. Stop walking on that rug that was laid down on those victims. Help these victims to step up, help these victims take their voices back that were stolen from them. It is an important part of healing in taking that power back. Stand united. Take the message that sex abuse of children is wrong and it does not matter who is doing it...to cover it up for reputation sake is just as low as the abuser themselves.

So all involved in sweeping Sandusky's sins under the rug all need punished. Sandusky needs punished. His victims need to step forward and reclaim their voices. Society needs to support, encourage, show compassion to victims. The media needs to start reporting on all the ones who covered up Sandusky's sins as well as Sandusky himself. The media needs to start having segments on what an abused child feels when being abused. The media needs to have segments on what happens to an abused child if left untreated and untold. Society needs to stop making one person a saint when they should be focusing on God. Society needs to quit making institutions their church. We have lost all site of God. We have put people in place of our Father. We have sinned many sins and have covered up many sins of others for money, reputation etc...

I pray that the victims Sandusky left behind come forward, step up, you can do it. It is a stepping stone to healing. God bless you all.

No matter what this earths judgement be on all the accused, we all have to face one judge and that is the judgement that is final and forever.

Triggers

Some years ago I was stuck with the label of having PTSD. I do not like to say that I have that because I do not believe in labels like that. But I have come to realize that I do have PTSD. But also over the years I have tools set up, such as breathing techniques and mental exercises to calm myself down and most important prayer. It has taken a long time to master but I have done it. These last few days I have been inundated with seeing a lot of news about children being abused or sexually molested/raped buy people that the courts are allowing the abusers to walk free. I have also seen a couple videos of actual child abuse that I watched the whole way through when I should not have. These things are called possible triggers.


Triggers could be tied to anything....the actual event of seeing a child abused, the sound of a voice, the usage of words..all those are some of my triggers. Some others are smells, scents, odors of people or food. I smell the odor of say grilled cheese being cooked and that will bring up a memory of my childhood and it takes me back to that exact moment in life...and I remember everything in that past moment. Once trigger used to be smell or odor. It would instantly trigger the fear of my dad coming for me or looking for me. I would take a whiff of this odor and panic would start to set in...even though my dad was dead that smell would send shivers down my back. I would look around in a paranoid state thinking he was near me. I do not suffer from the odor trigger at all. That has been removed from me.

Watching and hearing about all these babies in the news being beat, raped, molested, starved, tortured just brought a flood of feeling of fear and panic back to me and I remembered a couple deeply buried memories that just flew at me out of the blue. And I cannot control when these memories pop up.

 One thing I have not revealed is that I do not like being in big crowds. Being around people, especially big crowds were a big challenge for me. Because I would get anxious and confused. I would be short tempered and snippy with everyone. I am still working on this aspect but have come a long way.

I can tolerate people now and be around crowds for a short period of time. If I make a run to the grocery store I know what I want and I go straight in and grab my items and get out. My poor kids lol...sometimes I have a tendency to be rude to people because they are in my way...such as there are a group of 3-4 carts blocking an isle I need to go down and I see that I have to travel all the way down the next isle to get the item I need in the isle that is being blocked...I just speak up and say excuse me a few times lol...and they hear me cause I am kinda loud about it lol...my poor son just shakes his head and chuckles lol...but they move out of the way and I smile and say thank you as I pass by lol.

Going to the kids events at school was a huge challenge for me as well....but I had to because I wanted my kids to know that I was there to support them no matter what. In those cases it was not about me, it was about my kids needing that support. I did not want to be like my parents and just ignore my kids events or not show up at all. Because of my years of being a single mom and making sure I did not get or let anyone get close to me...I come across to people I meet as a cold or rude. When in reality I am not that way. But, again, I have come a long long way. I can associate with people and socialize without getting ancy or go into panic mode. I choose these people wisely though. I use prayer and discernment with people I let or not let come into my life.

Back to the triggers...even sounds can be a trigger...last night watching a video it was the sound of the belt being used on that poor angel. And that sound led to a specific event where my dad used a belt on me. And it brought up another memory where my dad severely abused our dog. In those memories I remembered the sounds more than anything. I remember the belts sound as it hit me...with my dad abusing our dog I remember the sounds the dog was making. Those reverberated in my head and sent me into panic mode, sheets of tears, rain of anger and loosing control of myself and sharing those memories to the public. But afterward, I could not get a hold of my therapist, I did do my breathing techniques and went into prayer. Been quiet all day and I am at peace. The memories are there but I can handle them now...I have overcome. The sounds are gone now because I have overcome.

I do not know if I will ever not stop having flashbacks due to triggers. My mind holds many many dark memories that I cannot remember. I am coming to a point in my life where I am going to be called out to tell my story to people. I am going to be asked to share my journey and what God has brought me through to people. And God is working in me to do that one day in his timing. He will give me the courage and his strength to stand and speak out to people. So long as I keep my eyes focused on him I cannot go wrong or astray. I am in, what I call the last stages of God working in me to be prepared to share my journey. Once God gets done with that he will continue to work on other aspects and new aspects of life that I will be confronted with after my surgery. And, again, if I keep in his will for me he will not leave me stranded.

For the triggers that bring about flashbacks, today I control my breathing and then I go into a deep prayer and get real quiet. I turn everything possible off so there is no noise. I clear my head, close my eyes and then pray. And I let the Lord walk me through flashbacks. Last night I slipped a bit and aired memories that were coming back to me on facebook...I was going to take them down but I decided not to...I want people to see what the effect of abuse has on people like me. I want the world to have a taste of my world so they can see what abuse is and does. I wish I would have started this blog years ago during the harsh part of my life lol...but today God has people in my life and has given me tools to keep myself grounded in his will and his peace. May those still suffering find the light to heal through God. It can be done. Thank you and God bless.

My Story Part 4

When my father was being lowered into the ground all I wanted to do was get back home to Missouri. I hated Illinois and wanted to get away from it all. But my uncle from my mom's side of the family invited myself, my then husband and my sister out for dinner. He wanted to talk to us. At dinner he said that he saw greed in both mine and my sisters eyes. My father left a nice insurance police or us both. Hence, why he has a very cheap funeral. And my uncle was partially right. I did let greed get to me. But my thinking was that money was owed to me for all those years of hell I had been through with my dad and mom. I felt I was entitled to it. I just kept my mouth shut, ate away and then we left back to Missouri to live that happy life...not.

My dad killing himself and then having to see the aftermath of what looked like a set of a horror movie, the spot where he killed himself. It did something to my brain. I started to break down. Suddenly I had nobody to hate. My mom was dead and now my dad was dead by his own hand. I could hate God but I already did that. My parents were not able to live anymore but I was left behind to continue to live in this miserable earth. I did not know about what it took to get to heaven or hell yet. So my mind was thinking mom and dad were dancing in the clouds making fun of me because I was left behind. Which inflamed my hate and anger more.

A couple of months flew by and I finally got dads insurance. I took a portion and blew it on a trip back to Illinois but not for fun. On this trip I would have my third affair on my husband. I do not remember much about this time period because my mind broke down. This was over the New Year of 99 going into 2000. Instead of being with my kids and husband I was in an expensive hotel room having an affair. I felt so guilty afterwards. I went back to Missouri depressed and more down than I had ever been. Life started to crumble again. We ended moving back to TX again with his mother, again. What led up to moving was in February of 2000 my kids contracted a severe bad form of pneumonia as I did to. I called my husband and begged him to come home to help me. But he choose to go to TX to see his mom to check on her. He did this regularly. I had begged him on a few occasions to come home because I was so overwhelmed with being alone with kids. I needed him and he said he needed to keep and eye on his mom. So when he said this I had decided that our marriage was over and moved back to TX with his mom where I was going to plan to just break away and leave.

In the summer of 2000 I was having female problems. Tests came back that showed I had the start of cervical cancer cells. I begged my husband to come home and be with me but he said he had to stay on the road. So I went through treatments alone raising my kids living with his mother. Well, I had finally had it and told Randy I wanted a divorce. He broke down like a baby and cried. I felt sorry a bit for him. But I wanted out. We both had committed no no's  in the marriage and it just was not working. And I had another affair with a neighbor there and I just had to break away. So one night I decided to take the kids to a woman's abuse shelter. I will not go into the reasons as to why a woman's abuse shelter right now. But his mother found out what I was doing and took my 2 kids and locked herself in her room with them. I could hear them crying and screaming. I had to call the cops to get her to release them but I finally broke away from that life from that man from that mother of his. I was free...for a bit.



This Chaplain called me back and she said some things to me that got me to open my eyes to God. This was another point in my life where God was really trying to reach me hard and I took hold of this. I met the woman and she would show me what it would mean to learn to love myself and my kids. She would show me how to be a mom. It would take years to do but she did not give up on me. She stood by me through thick and thin. She corrected me when I needed it and gave me encouragement. She still does to this day. God so blessed me with a great woman of God just an awesome lady to have as a "mom". This is the time period where I would come to know God but only at a distance. I would not allow him to take control over my life because I had to control it lol...good that had done me so far in life. But I got introduced to God as well as my kids. And my excuse to go to church was so my kids could get the chance that was stolen from me. I wanted them to get to know God and lead a life that I was never to have as a kid. LOL...only to learn later in life that God is with us 24/7 and at anytime of the day or night anyone can turn to him and let him come in. But again, it took some more time for me to come to this point. I harbored a lot of anger and hate and now confusion.

I will leave it there for tonight and focus more on my story later tomorrow. I thank you for reading this blog and God bless.

My humble, glorious, joyous, empowering, victorious path today

I want to write about where I am today. Despite my walk with Satan in my earlier years I hit a point in my life where I had to make a decision. I had the choice of death or life. And I was told that in death because I was walking with Satan that I would be joining him in the lake of fire. And I was shown what hell was like in a dream. Always in pain. Screaming from terror. Burning forever. I awoke and knew that that place was so not for me. So I asked God to save me. And it was a daily walk in faith with him as it is today to heal. And I continue to heal and walk to this day. I am not perfect and fall from time to time as well as learning from God. But when I fall I stand back up with God's help.

Awhile ago, I shared a piece of Joyce Meyers story and how she was able to speak with her father and he owned up and asked for forgiveness from Joyce. She gave it as well as seeing this man accept Christ. That kind of faith and love is so amazing. And I have experienced that in letting my dad know by writing him a letter. I told him that my heart was healed and forgiving him as well as my mom. I stuck the letter to a balloon and floated it up in the sky. And in that release, this peace came over me as well as a joy. I cried and laughed at the same time. I cried out of joy and laughed out of peace. I was free. The past no longer held me back. I was able to break the chains that Satan had shackled on me.  Hate, anger, shame, guilt, greed, selfishness. All of that was washed away.

Now just because I came to Christ does not mean I became some holier than thou type or my life was a bed of roses lol...far from it. I lead a humble life and will die leaving a humble life behind. I have may faults that God is still working with me on lol...but each day I become more and more what he wants me to be. I have walked a very rough road but I would not change my path for anything.

Today, I love my kids and have shown them a healthy path to living a good life or I am trying to get them there lol...I wanted to give them a life full of possibilities and I believe I have done and continue to do that. I have some awesome kids and love the unconditionally. Just as God loves me unconditionally and continues to teach me daily how to live and love through him. He saved me from the grasp of Satan. He saved me from the lake of fire.

I was a liar. I was an adulterer. I was an abusive parent. I was a neglectful parent. I was a negative person. I used people for my own selfish gains in life. I stole and cheated. I blamed others for my wrong doings instead of taking responsibility for my own actions. I hurt and burnt many bridges. And I did not care. I was an alcoholic. But God wiped all that away. Today I can laugh and love through him. I can be the mom my kids needed. I may not be what they want but I am what they need. I love myself today. I am free today. I can forgive today. I still have rough times in my life but if I stay on that path of faith I am seen through it and come out more knowledgeable and wise because I stayed on that path. There were times I have fallen off that path but God was there to help me back up. I lead an amazing, wonderful life today. Life after abuse is possible. I have what I need today. And God is working in me right this very minute to do his will...do I know what that is...not entirely but that's what makes this journey exciting.

I will leave this here tonight. Thank you for reading this blog and God bless.