FEAR TACTICS

I am going to be sharing my thoughts on the Sandusky child sex abuse scandal. I have been observing the story closely since it has broke. Now it is just "alleged" at this stage that Sandusky is a child predator, but I do believe that he will have this label by law soon. This whole situation has disgusted me, enraged me, saddened me. The basic message has gotten lost with riots, fights, mud slinging between adults. It makes me want to reach through each internet portal and grab these fools and knock some sense into their heads.

When it this Board of Trustees convened and announced that Paterno was fired and Dr. Spanier was let go, people started lighting up the internet with outrage at Paterno's firing. Let me go back a bit....McQueary "allegedly" found Sandusky raping a child in the showers on Penn State Campus. McQueary reported it to Paterno and then Paterno told a superior about it. And from this point it was swept under the rug...whatever motive or reason it went hush hush. And no matter what the reason or motive it was the wrong thing to do. I am guessing Sandusky has "allegedly" been raping boys for many many years. He set up some sort of foundation in 77 for kids. It is "alleged" that this foundation was his front for raping innocent underprivileged boys. How Dr. Spanier came into the knowledge of Sandusky raping boys is something I do not know but he knew of Sandusky's sins but chose to sweep it under the rug. Even after McQueary "allegedly" witnessed this "alleged" rape of a child, Sandusky was continuing to use Penn State Campus and nothing more was said until it broke out to the public.

Once it broke out to the public, everyone from people to media immediately went after Paterno, asking why did Paterno not do anything more to help those "alleged" victims of Sandusky. Nobody seemed to go after any of the others that were mentioned in a Grand Jury report that knew about Sandusky's sins. Paterno looked like the only bad guy via the media. And the public that has loved Paterno for 61 years of him being the head coach at Penn State started to go on the defensive and fighting back. On the WJAC TV Facebook page there has been name calling, mud slinging, blaming...some supporting Paterno some against him. Both sides going at it of who is wrong and who was right...what should be done and what shouldn't be done. Then Paterno gets abruptly fired. And the fight amongst people got worse....students at Penn State rioted...tossing news vehicles over, throwing rocks at reporters, breaking windows and trying to start things on fire. All because Paterno was fired. And then an up rise of why the others that knew were not fired or let go. Dr. Spanier was let go at the same time as Paterno but it was kept, like under wraps of some sort. The media did not camp out on Spanier's lawn like they did Paterno. They have not reported the moves of McQueary nor camped out on his lawn. And the biggest surprise is they had not once followed Sandusky but just a few brief shots of him handcuffed and being led into the Magistrates office and then he bailed out. Not one utter of a report on his goings and doings. The local media here even reported when a light would go on in Paterno's house. And the clashings are still going on. People mud slinging, name calling over who and what should be done to the ones that knew about Sandusky's sins. Paterno still being haled as a hero or bad guy for what he did or didn't do. Riots, threats of violence at some game tomorrow.....

In the above is all going on, not once were the victims mentioned. Because of all the mud slinging and ridiculous fighting over the who and what should have done. These are my views on all in this mess. Those who knew about Sandusky's sins from McQueary, Paterno, Paterno's superior, the President of the College, Dr. Spanier and a couple of others should have all been punished equally and all should have been fired. The only reason I can see that these people kept Sandusky's sins quiet is so their reputations would not be tarnished. After all, Penn State has a beloved coach that has been there for 61 years. So they have a tradition and honor to uphold. And for it to be tarnished with a scandal of an "alleged" child rapist, oh my. They could not see that that happen. So they all took a pact, yes a pact, to throw Sandusky's victims under a rug and walked on them. After all they are just underprivileged nobodies.

Well, lies will always come out one way or another. And the lies came out. All those victims that Sandusky raped/molested, all those voices squelched with fear of telling, all those tears of pain...that rug they were swept under and stepped on has finally started to been lifted up for the dirt to come out. But because of all the bickering and mud slinging that rug was once again put down for society to walk on again. They forgot about the innocent again. Amongst the blaming, fighting, arguing, mudslinging...those victims were thrown under that rug again. Society is more worried about how Paterno was dealt a low blow or how the others are not targeted by the media. How unfair it all is that some are being treated like scoundrels and some are left alone. It is not about reputations or beloved public figures. It is about the victims.

We need to come together and offer support, love to Sandusky's victims. We need to be sending the message that no matter who you are or what position you hold in society you cannot cover that act of sex abuse against a child. And if you do, you will suffer the consequences at some point in time in life. And it usually has horrible consequences for more than those that were involved in the cover up. Penn State might loose funding which effects students. It is sad but that is the repercussions of keeping a secret. Sandusky's victims need to be shown that it is okay to come forward. All the bickering and fighting is causing victims to feel the same fear as when they were told to keep quiet about what had happened to them. They were probably told that their families would be ashamed of them and that people would make fun of them...and what people here are doing are only reinforcing that fear to not come forward for fear of persecution of some sort. So those that are arguing and bickering, mud slinging, name calling, rioting etc...need to stop. Stop walking on that rug that was laid down on those victims. Help these victims to step up, help these victims take their voices back that were stolen from them. It is an important part of healing in taking that power back. Stand united. Take the message that sex abuse of children is wrong and it does not matter who is doing it...to cover it up for reputation sake is just as low as the abuser themselves.

So all involved in sweeping Sandusky's sins under the rug all need punished. Sandusky needs punished. His victims need to step forward and reclaim their voices. Society needs to support, encourage, show compassion to victims. The media needs to start reporting on all the ones who covered up Sandusky's sins as well as Sandusky himself. The media needs to start having segments on what an abused child feels when being abused. The media needs to have segments on what happens to an abused child if left untreated and untold. Society needs to stop making one person a saint when they should be focusing on God. Society needs to quit making institutions their church. We have lost all site of God. We have put people in place of our Father. We have sinned many sins and have covered up many sins of others for money, reputation etc...

I pray that the victims Sandusky left behind come forward, step up, you can do it. It is a stepping stone to healing. God bless you all.

No matter what this earths judgement be on all the accused, we all have to face one judge and that is the judgement that is final and forever.

Triggers

Some years ago I was stuck with the label of having PTSD. I do not like to say that I have that because I do not believe in labels like that. But I have come to realize that I do have PTSD. But also over the years I have tools set up, such as breathing techniques and mental exercises to calm myself down and most important prayer. It has taken a long time to master but I have done it. These last few days I have been inundated with seeing a lot of news about children being abused or sexually molested/raped buy people that the courts are allowing the abusers to walk free. I have also seen a couple videos of actual child abuse that I watched the whole way through when I should not have. These things are called possible triggers.


Triggers could be tied to anything....the actual event of seeing a child abused, the sound of a voice, the usage of words..all those are some of my triggers. Some others are smells, scents, odors of people or food. I smell the odor of say grilled cheese being cooked and that will bring up a memory of my childhood and it takes me back to that exact moment in life...and I remember everything in that past moment. Once trigger used to be smell or odor. It would instantly trigger the fear of my dad coming for me or looking for me. I would take a whiff of this odor and panic would start to set in...even though my dad was dead that smell would send shivers down my back. I would look around in a paranoid state thinking he was near me. I do not suffer from the odor trigger at all. That has been removed from me.

Watching and hearing about all these babies in the news being beat, raped, molested, starved, tortured just brought a flood of feeling of fear and panic back to me and I remembered a couple deeply buried memories that just flew at me out of the blue. And I cannot control when these memories pop up.

 One thing I have not revealed is that I do not like being in big crowds. Being around people, especially big crowds were a big challenge for me. Because I would get anxious and confused. I would be short tempered and snippy with everyone. I am still working on this aspect but have come a long way.

I can tolerate people now and be around crowds for a short period of time. If I make a run to the grocery store I know what I want and I go straight in and grab my items and get out. My poor kids lol...sometimes I have a tendency to be rude to people because they are in my way...such as there are a group of 3-4 carts blocking an isle I need to go down and I see that I have to travel all the way down the next isle to get the item I need in the isle that is being blocked...I just speak up and say excuse me a few times lol...and they hear me cause I am kinda loud about it lol...my poor son just shakes his head and chuckles lol...but they move out of the way and I smile and say thank you as I pass by lol.

Going to the kids events at school was a huge challenge for me as well....but I had to because I wanted my kids to know that I was there to support them no matter what. In those cases it was not about me, it was about my kids needing that support. I did not want to be like my parents and just ignore my kids events or not show up at all. Because of my years of being a single mom and making sure I did not get or let anyone get close to me...I come across to people I meet as a cold or rude. When in reality I am not that way. But, again, I have come a long long way. I can associate with people and socialize without getting ancy or go into panic mode. I choose these people wisely though. I use prayer and discernment with people I let or not let come into my life.

Back to the triggers...even sounds can be a trigger...last night watching a video it was the sound of the belt being used on that poor angel. And that sound led to a specific event where my dad used a belt on me. And it brought up another memory where my dad severely abused our dog. In those memories I remembered the sounds more than anything. I remember the belts sound as it hit me...with my dad abusing our dog I remember the sounds the dog was making. Those reverberated in my head and sent me into panic mode, sheets of tears, rain of anger and loosing control of myself and sharing those memories to the public. But afterward, I could not get a hold of my therapist, I did do my breathing techniques and went into prayer. Been quiet all day and I am at peace. The memories are there but I can handle them now...I have overcome. The sounds are gone now because I have overcome.

I do not know if I will ever not stop having flashbacks due to triggers. My mind holds many many dark memories that I cannot remember. I am coming to a point in my life where I am going to be called out to tell my story to people. I am going to be asked to share my journey and what God has brought me through to people. And God is working in me to do that one day in his timing. He will give me the courage and his strength to stand and speak out to people. So long as I keep my eyes focused on him I cannot go wrong or astray. I am in, what I call the last stages of God working in me to be prepared to share my journey. Once God gets done with that he will continue to work on other aspects and new aspects of life that I will be confronted with after my surgery. And, again, if I keep in his will for me he will not leave me stranded.

For the triggers that bring about flashbacks, today I control my breathing and then I go into a deep prayer and get real quiet. I turn everything possible off so there is no noise. I clear my head, close my eyes and then pray. And I let the Lord walk me through flashbacks. Last night I slipped a bit and aired memories that were coming back to me on facebook...I was going to take them down but I decided not to...I want people to see what the effect of abuse has on people like me. I want the world to have a taste of my world so they can see what abuse is and does. I wish I would have started this blog years ago during the harsh part of my life lol...but today God has people in my life and has given me tools to keep myself grounded in his will and his peace. May those still suffering find the light to heal through God. It can be done. Thank you and God bless.