FEAR TACTICS

I am going to be sharing my thoughts on the Sandusky child sex abuse scandal. I have been observing the story closely since it has broke. Now it is just "alleged" at this stage that Sandusky is a child predator, but I do believe that he will have this label by law soon. This whole situation has disgusted me, enraged me, saddened me. The basic message has gotten lost with riots, fights, mud slinging between adults. It makes me want to reach through each internet portal and grab these fools and knock some sense into their heads.

When it this Board of Trustees convened and announced that Paterno was fired and Dr. Spanier was let go, people started lighting up the internet with outrage at Paterno's firing. Let me go back a bit....McQueary "allegedly" found Sandusky raping a child in the showers on Penn State Campus. McQueary reported it to Paterno and then Paterno told a superior about it. And from this point it was swept under the rug...whatever motive or reason it went hush hush. And no matter what the reason or motive it was the wrong thing to do. I am guessing Sandusky has "allegedly" been raping boys for many many years. He set up some sort of foundation in 77 for kids. It is "alleged" that this foundation was his front for raping innocent underprivileged boys. How Dr. Spanier came into the knowledge of Sandusky raping boys is something I do not know but he knew of Sandusky's sins but chose to sweep it under the rug. Even after McQueary "allegedly" witnessed this "alleged" rape of a child, Sandusky was continuing to use Penn State Campus and nothing more was said until it broke out to the public.

Once it broke out to the public, everyone from people to media immediately went after Paterno, asking why did Paterno not do anything more to help those "alleged" victims of Sandusky. Nobody seemed to go after any of the others that were mentioned in a Grand Jury report that knew about Sandusky's sins. Paterno looked like the only bad guy via the media. And the public that has loved Paterno for 61 years of him being the head coach at Penn State started to go on the defensive and fighting back. On the WJAC TV Facebook page there has been name calling, mud slinging, blaming...some supporting Paterno some against him. Both sides going at it of who is wrong and who was right...what should be done and what shouldn't be done. Then Paterno gets abruptly fired. And the fight amongst people got worse....students at Penn State rioted...tossing news vehicles over, throwing rocks at reporters, breaking windows and trying to start things on fire. All because Paterno was fired. And then an up rise of why the others that knew were not fired or let go. Dr. Spanier was let go at the same time as Paterno but it was kept, like under wraps of some sort. The media did not camp out on Spanier's lawn like they did Paterno. They have not reported the moves of McQueary nor camped out on his lawn. And the biggest surprise is they had not once followed Sandusky but just a few brief shots of him handcuffed and being led into the Magistrates office and then he bailed out. Not one utter of a report on his goings and doings. The local media here even reported when a light would go on in Paterno's house. And the clashings are still going on. People mud slinging, name calling over who and what should be done to the ones that knew about Sandusky's sins. Paterno still being haled as a hero or bad guy for what he did or didn't do. Riots, threats of violence at some game tomorrow.....

In the above is all going on, not once were the victims mentioned. Because of all the mud slinging and ridiculous fighting over the who and what should have done. These are my views on all in this mess. Those who knew about Sandusky's sins from McQueary, Paterno, Paterno's superior, the President of the College, Dr. Spanier and a couple of others should have all been punished equally and all should have been fired. The only reason I can see that these people kept Sandusky's sins quiet is so their reputations would not be tarnished. After all, Penn State has a beloved coach that has been there for 61 years. So they have a tradition and honor to uphold. And for it to be tarnished with a scandal of an "alleged" child rapist, oh my. They could not see that that happen. So they all took a pact, yes a pact, to throw Sandusky's victims under a rug and walked on them. After all they are just underprivileged nobodies.

Well, lies will always come out one way or another. And the lies came out. All those victims that Sandusky raped/molested, all those voices squelched with fear of telling, all those tears of pain...that rug they were swept under and stepped on has finally started to been lifted up for the dirt to come out. But because of all the bickering and mud slinging that rug was once again put down for society to walk on again. They forgot about the innocent again. Amongst the blaming, fighting, arguing, mudslinging...those victims were thrown under that rug again. Society is more worried about how Paterno was dealt a low blow or how the others are not targeted by the media. How unfair it all is that some are being treated like scoundrels and some are left alone. It is not about reputations or beloved public figures. It is about the victims.

We need to come together and offer support, love to Sandusky's victims. We need to be sending the message that no matter who you are or what position you hold in society you cannot cover that act of sex abuse against a child. And if you do, you will suffer the consequences at some point in time in life. And it usually has horrible consequences for more than those that were involved in the cover up. Penn State might loose funding which effects students. It is sad but that is the repercussions of keeping a secret. Sandusky's victims need to be shown that it is okay to come forward. All the bickering and fighting is causing victims to feel the same fear as when they were told to keep quiet about what had happened to them. They were probably told that their families would be ashamed of them and that people would make fun of them...and what people here are doing are only reinforcing that fear to not come forward for fear of persecution of some sort. So those that are arguing and bickering, mud slinging, name calling, rioting etc...need to stop. Stop walking on that rug that was laid down on those victims. Help these victims to step up, help these victims take their voices back that were stolen from them. It is an important part of healing in taking that power back. Stand united. Take the message that sex abuse of children is wrong and it does not matter who is doing it...to cover it up for reputation sake is just as low as the abuser themselves.

So all involved in sweeping Sandusky's sins under the rug all need punished. Sandusky needs punished. His victims need to step forward and reclaim their voices. Society needs to support, encourage, show compassion to victims. The media needs to start reporting on all the ones who covered up Sandusky's sins as well as Sandusky himself. The media needs to start having segments on what an abused child feels when being abused. The media needs to have segments on what happens to an abused child if left untreated and untold. Society needs to stop making one person a saint when they should be focusing on God. Society needs to quit making institutions their church. We have lost all site of God. We have put people in place of our Father. We have sinned many sins and have covered up many sins of others for money, reputation etc...

I pray that the victims Sandusky left behind come forward, step up, you can do it. It is a stepping stone to healing. God bless you all.

No matter what this earths judgement be on all the accused, we all have to face one judge and that is the judgement that is final and forever.

Triggers

Some years ago I was stuck with the label of having PTSD. I do not like to say that I have that because I do not believe in labels like that. But I have come to realize that I do have PTSD. But also over the years I have tools set up, such as breathing techniques and mental exercises to calm myself down and most important prayer. It has taken a long time to master but I have done it. These last few days I have been inundated with seeing a lot of news about children being abused or sexually molested/raped buy people that the courts are allowing the abusers to walk free. I have also seen a couple videos of actual child abuse that I watched the whole way through when I should not have. These things are called possible triggers.


Triggers could be tied to anything....the actual event of seeing a child abused, the sound of a voice, the usage of words..all those are some of my triggers. Some others are smells, scents, odors of people or food. I smell the odor of say grilled cheese being cooked and that will bring up a memory of my childhood and it takes me back to that exact moment in life...and I remember everything in that past moment. Once trigger used to be smell or odor. It would instantly trigger the fear of my dad coming for me or looking for me. I would take a whiff of this odor and panic would start to set in...even though my dad was dead that smell would send shivers down my back. I would look around in a paranoid state thinking he was near me. I do not suffer from the odor trigger at all. That has been removed from me.

Watching and hearing about all these babies in the news being beat, raped, molested, starved, tortured just brought a flood of feeling of fear and panic back to me and I remembered a couple deeply buried memories that just flew at me out of the blue. And I cannot control when these memories pop up.

 One thing I have not revealed is that I do not like being in big crowds. Being around people, especially big crowds were a big challenge for me. Because I would get anxious and confused. I would be short tempered and snippy with everyone. I am still working on this aspect but have come a long way.

I can tolerate people now and be around crowds for a short period of time. If I make a run to the grocery store I know what I want and I go straight in and grab my items and get out. My poor kids lol...sometimes I have a tendency to be rude to people because they are in my way...such as there are a group of 3-4 carts blocking an isle I need to go down and I see that I have to travel all the way down the next isle to get the item I need in the isle that is being blocked...I just speak up and say excuse me a few times lol...and they hear me cause I am kinda loud about it lol...my poor son just shakes his head and chuckles lol...but they move out of the way and I smile and say thank you as I pass by lol.

Going to the kids events at school was a huge challenge for me as well....but I had to because I wanted my kids to know that I was there to support them no matter what. In those cases it was not about me, it was about my kids needing that support. I did not want to be like my parents and just ignore my kids events or not show up at all. Because of my years of being a single mom and making sure I did not get or let anyone get close to me...I come across to people I meet as a cold or rude. When in reality I am not that way. But, again, I have come a long long way. I can associate with people and socialize without getting ancy or go into panic mode. I choose these people wisely though. I use prayer and discernment with people I let or not let come into my life.

Back to the triggers...even sounds can be a trigger...last night watching a video it was the sound of the belt being used on that poor angel. And that sound led to a specific event where my dad used a belt on me. And it brought up another memory where my dad severely abused our dog. In those memories I remembered the sounds more than anything. I remember the belts sound as it hit me...with my dad abusing our dog I remember the sounds the dog was making. Those reverberated in my head and sent me into panic mode, sheets of tears, rain of anger and loosing control of myself and sharing those memories to the public. But afterward, I could not get a hold of my therapist, I did do my breathing techniques and went into prayer. Been quiet all day and I am at peace. The memories are there but I can handle them now...I have overcome. The sounds are gone now because I have overcome.

I do not know if I will ever not stop having flashbacks due to triggers. My mind holds many many dark memories that I cannot remember. I am coming to a point in my life where I am going to be called out to tell my story to people. I am going to be asked to share my journey and what God has brought me through to people. And God is working in me to do that one day in his timing. He will give me the courage and his strength to stand and speak out to people. So long as I keep my eyes focused on him I cannot go wrong or astray. I am in, what I call the last stages of God working in me to be prepared to share my journey. Once God gets done with that he will continue to work on other aspects and new aspects of life that I will be confronted with after my surgery. And, again, if I keep in his will for me he will not leave me stranded.

For the triggers that bring about flashbacks, today I control my breathing and then I go into a deep prayer and get real quiet. I turn everything possible off so there is no noise. I clear my head, close my eyes and then pray. And I let the Lord walk me through flashbacks. Last night I slipped a bit and aired memories that were coming back to me on facebook...I was going to take them down but I decided not to...I want people to see what the effect of abuse has on people like me. I want the world to have a taste of my world so they can see what abuse is and does. I wish I would have started this blog years ago during the harsh part of my life lol...but today God has people in my life and has given me tools to keep myself grounded in his will and his peace. May those still suffering find the light to heal through God. It can be done. Thank you and God bless.

My Story Part 4

When my father was being lowered into the ground all I wanted to do was get back home to Missouri. I hated Illinois and wanted to get away from it all. But my uncle from my mom's side of the family invited myself, my then husband and my sister out for dinner. He wanted to talk to us. At dinner he said that he saw greed in both mine and my sisters eyes. My father left a nice insurance police or us both. Hence, why he has a very cheap funeral. And my uncle was partially right. I did let greed get to me. But my thinking was that money was owed to me for all those years of hell I had been through with my dad and mom. I felt I was entitled to it. I just kept my mouth shut, ate away and then we left back to Missouri to live that happy life...not.

My dad killing himself and then having to see the aftermath of what looked like a set of a horror movie, the spot where he killed himself. It did something to my brain. I started to break down. Suddenly I had nobody to hate. My mom was dead and now my dad was dead by his own hand. I could hate God but I already did that. My parents were not able to live anymore but I was left behind to continue to live in this miserable earth. I did not know about what it took to get to heaven or hell yet. So my mind was thinking mom and dad were dancing in the clouds making fun of me because I was left behind. Which inflamed my hate and anger more.

A couple of months flew by and I finally got dads insurance. I took a portion and blew it on a trip back to Illinois but not for fun. On this trip I would have my third affair on my husband. I do not remember much about this time period because my mind broke down. This was over the New Year of 99 going into 2000. Instead of being with my kids and husband I was in an expensive hotel room having an affair. I felt so guilty afterwards. I went back to Missouri depressed and more down than I had ever been. Life started to crumble again. We ended moving back to TX again with his mother, again. What led up to moving was in February of 2000 my kids contracted a severe bad form of pneumonia as I did to. I called my husband and begged him to come home to help me. But he choose to go to TX to see his mom to check on her. He did this regularly. I had begged him on a few occasions to come home because I was so overwhelmed with being alone with kids. I needed him and he said he needed to keep and eye on his mom. So when he said this I had decided that our marriage was over and moved back to TX with his mom where I was going to plan to just break away and leave.

In the summer of 2000 I was having female problems. Tests came back that showed I had the start of cervical cancer cells. I begged my husband to come home and be with me but he said he had to stay on the road. So I went through treatments alone raising my kids living with his mother. Well, I had finally had it and told Randy I wanted a divorce. He broke down like a baby and cried. I felt sorry a bit for him. But I wanted out. We both had committed no no's  in the marriage and it just was not working. And I had another affair with a neighbor there and I just had to break away. So one night I decided to take the kids to a woman's abuse shelter. I will not go into the reasons as to why a woman's abuse shelter right now. But his mother found out what I was doing and took my 2 kids and locked herself in her room with them. I could hear them crying and screaming. I had to call the cops to get her to release them but I finally broke away from that life from that man from that mother of his. I was free...for a bit.



This Chaplain called me back and she said some things to me that got me to open my eyes to God. This was another point in my life where God was really trying to reach me hard and I took hold of this. I met the woman and she would show me what it would mean to learn to love myself and my kids. She would show me how to be a mom. It would take years to do but she did not give up on me. She stood by me through thick and thin. She corrected me when I needed it and gave me encouragement. She still does to this day. God so blessed me with a great woman of God just an awesome lady to have as a "mom". This is the time period where I would come to know God but only at a distance. I would not allow him to take control over my life because I had to control it lol...good that had done me so far in life. But I got introduced to God as well as my kids. And my excuse to go to church was so my kids could get the chance that was stolen from me. I wanted them to get to know God and lead a life that I was never to have as a kid. LOL...only to learn later in life that God is with us 24/7 and at anytime of the day or night anyone can turn to him and let him come in. But again, it took some more time for me to come to this point. I harbored a lot of anger and hate and now confusion.

I will leave it there for tonight and focus more on my story later tomorrow. I thank you for reading this blog and God bless.

My humble, glorious, joyous, empowering, victorious path today

I want to write about where I am today. Despite my walk with Satan in my earlier years I hit a point in my life where I had to make a decision. I had the choice of death or life. And I was told that in death because I was walking with Satan that I would be joining him in the lake of fire. And I was shown what hell was like in a dream. Always in pain. Screaming from terror. Burning forever. I awoke and knew that that place was so not for me. So I asked God to save me. And it was a daily walk in faith with him as it is today to heal. And I continue to heal and walk to this day. I am not perfect and fall from time to time as well as learning from God. But when I fall I stand back up with God's help.

Awhile ago, I shared a piece of Joyce Meyers story and how she was able to speak with her father and he owned up and asked for forgiveness from Joyce. She gave it as well as seeing this man accept Christ. That kind of faith and love is so amazing. And I have experienced that in letting my dad know by writing him a letter. I told him that my heart was healed and forgiving him as well as my mom. I stuck the letter to a balloon and floated it up in the sky. And in that release, this peace came over me as well as a joy. I cried and laughed at the same time. I cried out of joy and laughed out of peace. I was free. The past no longer held me back. I was able to break the chains that Satan had shackled on me.  Hate, anger, shame, guilt, greed, selfishness. All of that was washed away.

Now just because I came to Christ does not mean I became some holier than thou type or my life was a bed of roses lol...far from it. I lead a humble life and will die leaving a humble life behind. I have may faults that God is still working with me on lol...but each day I become more and more what he wants me to be. I have walked a very rough road but I would not change my path for anything.

Today, I love my kids and have shown them a healthy path to living a good life or I am trying to get them there lol...I wanted to give them a life full of possibilities and I believe I have done and continue to do that. I have some awesome kids and love the unconditionally. Just as God loves me unconditionally and continues to teach me daily how to live and love through him. He saved me from the grasp of Satan. He saved me from the lake of fire.

I was a liar. I was an adulterer. I was an abusive parent. I was a neglectful parent. I was a negative person. I used people for my own selfish gains in life. I stole and cheated. I blamed others for my wrong doings instead of taking responsibility for my own actions. I hurt and burnt many bridges. And I did not care. I was an alcoholic. But God wiped all that away. Today I can laugh and love through him. I can be the mom my kids needed. I may not be what they want but I am what they need. I love myself today. I am free today. I can forgive today. I still have rough times in my life but if I stay on that path of faith I am seen through it and come out more knowledgeable and wise because I stayed on that path. There were times I have fallen off that path but God was there to help me back up. I lead an amazing, wonderful life today. Life after abuse is possible. I have what I need today. And God is working in me right this very minute to do his will...do I know what that is...not entirely but that's what makes this journey exciting.

I will leave this here tonight. Thank you for reading this blog and God bless.

Puzzle Pieces

I had a session with my therapist this week and we talked about a private message I received from someone that had read my blog. In the comment was, they had wondered why I had not gone dissociative during all my years of abuse. I had to ask her, my therapist, what this meant. And she said that a person that has experienced trauma sometimes their emotional state breaks down into other "personalities". It is a coping mechanism to deal with the trauma. And we talked about how my father was diagnosed by his psychiatrist as having multiple personality disorder, which I had already known. And then we got to talking about that place I would go to when I was being abused and why I cannot remember some of the trauma that was done to me.

When I would be being raped or molested or being made to perform some sort of sexual act on my grandpa or my dad or any of the others that hurt me I would retreat into my mind. I have touched on this before in earlier blogs. My brain holds very dark memories. And I call that place my own "Pandora's box". I had my own little world made up. I was a beautiful princess and we lived in a huge mansion.  I had friends to play with and we could travel anywhere in the world because we were endlessly rich. I got to meet famous people and hang with them. It was my version of reality. I think I started my world around 6 perhaps. It was when my dad had me going to his side of the family and friends.

I have tried over the years in my adulthood to access that world to bring out the memories that are a black area to me. But I start to get violent headaches so I have to stop trying to remember. And when we touched on being dissociative she told me that my going into that world that I had created was a form of being dissociative. And I do not like that being pinned on me. But she said it was my only way of coping with what these men where doing to me. And that the memories may never come back to me because I may not be able to handle the full scale of what was done to me.

I fell asleep tonight and it was an all of a sudden sleep. And I slept for 30 minutes, give or take. And when I woke I had some memories flow through my head. And again they are still like a movie trailer. And that is what pisses me off the most about this. I am sick of the bits and pieces. Just let the whole memory come out. The one I am remembering the most tonight is my dad had me at a creek. We took this gray motor scooter he had. I may have been 11/12. I can hear water running when I close my eyes. I see woods and a creek. I remember a bit of what he was saying to me....and the main thing that sticks out is he was going to take me skinny dipping and that I would like it. And I remember the motor scooter and he did something to me on it...I do not know if he raped me I cannot remember but I remember pain. I do not remember anything else. I do not know if he forced me to skinny dip with him or not. That is what is so frustrating about this. I just remember his words and the surroundings. And another memory that came back was it was one of my dads friends...he took me to a wooded area, I want to say a place called Raccoon Lakes and I remember a tent and a camera. I remember crying because I was hurt somehow but that is all I remember. I was maybe 7/8. And what is frustrating is that I want to remember everything about these incidents. Why can't I remember? It hurts more to go through this and I think it would be to just experience the whole memory.

As I go through this tonight I hear my dad's side of the family in my head when they called me a liar and that none of the stuff I said in the past when I turned my dad in and as an adult is true. That just riles me up inside and I want to go all out gang buster up there and force them to hear every detail of what that man and what my grandfather and what my step-cousins did to me.

I am reaching my calming down point. I do some deep breath exercises I have learned and I clear my mind and pray at the same time. I am in my head, with my eyes closed. I have a couple candles lit and everything off. Both kids in bed and it is all quiet. And I am able to write this. This has been so therapeutic for me. People would tell me to write my emotions or memories or whatever out on paper. And I would try it and I would get impatient because I hated writing. But today as I am much older lol I am really enjoying it. It takes me out of my realm and out of myself and calms me down. Makes me focus.

I am done writing tonight and will try and focus on writing more about my life story this week. I just felt it important to share this as it is what I call an episode. I do not have many flashbacks but wanted to share a bit about what one is like for me. Thank you taking the time to read this blog. God bless.

Here and Now

I have taken the advice of friends and I am going to be turning my blog into a book. I have the title, "Never A Child", to the book. And have done some beginning works on the book. I had to stop because despite I am healed from my past, it becomes overwhelming. In the blog I can write and leave...with a book it takes a more time for the memories and the details. I have to sit in those memories to bring out every detail and feeling. And that is hard to do. It takes me back to the sadness and pain. It takes me back to the anger and hate that I felt at that time in my life.

Tonight, just doing up the cover for the book and the title brought a heavy sadness mixed with anger in me. I should not have to write my story. I should not have a story to tell. I was supposed to have a childhood where parents were supposed to love and protect me from harm. I was supposed to be a child that uses her imagination and play with dolls or play with other friends. I was supposed to be happy and smile. I was supposed to have parents who taught me right from wrong. My parents were supposed to teach me love and about God. My parents were supposed to support me and encourage me in a positive way. My parents were supposed to let me try things in life no matter how much I sucked at it. I was supposed to have words of love spoken to me. But I was denied all this.

That is why I am so glad God saved me from becoming my parents. I would do the same thing they did to me. I would talk discouragingly to my kids when they wanted to try something new. I would make fun of them and laugh just as my parents did to me. When I was brought to God he stripped me down to nothing. He took who I was and through it back at Satan. And I let him work in me to rebuild a new me. He gave me the ability of discernment first. And this is where I am able to see who is bad and who is good for me. Who is going to bring me down or who is going to uplift and support me as well as guide me with love and let me know when I do or say wrong but tell me with love. And with this gift of discernment I was able to surround myself with the most wonderful friends in the world. Some are on a couple social networks I utilize and some I know personally. God placed them in my life to show me how to live. Some he put in my life for a season and some he has in my life for longer periods of time if not till he calls me home.

He sent these people to me to show me and teach me how to love not only myself but my kids and how to be a mom to my babies. And when I had to look in a mirror at myself I so saw my mom and dad. And I saw all the memories of the putting me down when I tried to do something fun or something to grow. I remember I really wanted to play the clarinet and I got one and started practicing and my parents, my dad mainly, would laugh and say it sounded like a dead whale. He would make me play my music just so he could laugh at me. I would be sitting there crying because he would just down me while I would play for him and mom. So I quit playing the clarinet. And that is where I developed the starting something but not following through with things. No matter what I would start I would never see it through whether it be crocheting a blanket to starting a book. Or I would put the kids into a kid club of some sorts, I would eventually quit taking them. Never seeing the end to anything. And it is still something I have to work on to this day. I see things through more now but at times I feel that quit bug pop up. The old me would cave in but I have a instant button that halts it and I kick into gear and get what needs done to the finish.

So today, if my kids want to try something I encourage them. My oldest son did the musical last year at the high school and it was during the tryouts that it got tough for him. He wanted to quit so bad. And he even called me several times saying he was going to quit. But I kept encouraging him the whole way through and even told him he would regret quitting, He kept at it and he made it to the opening night and the other nights the play was open. He accomplished something and finished something he started. I have never been so proud of him and myself. Because of his sticking with it and me saying words of love and support and encouraging him we both got to see the end of that journey. And I was so proud to see my boy up on that stage singing. And this year, because of that positive reinforcement, he had joined the choir, he is taking it further and trying out for some smaller singing groups this Sunday. And he is trying out for a jazz singing group, my favorite type of music. So encouraging with love does install the ability to see things through and then growth takes place to try different things.

With love all things are possible. God broke me down from who I was and made me who I am now. I love the process and seeing what he has led me through. I pray I never stop learning to grow into who he wants me to be. I will make it through this project and God will be there till the end and after this journey is over he will lead me to greater things. I love my life and who God has put in my life to learn from. Thank you God. I will leave it here tonight. Thank you and God bless.

Stepping back

I am going to take a break from writing about my story for tonight. But I am going to write about something that has been on my mind lately about my story. There are a couple of key areas in my life that I have been pondering on. One of those areas being when my mom told me about what happened when I was 2...to go back a bit...this happened right after I turned my dad in. The counselor had left the office to call the authorities and mom looked at me with a blank face and asked why I had not come to her. After some silence had past, it came to me to ask her at what age did dad start molesting/raping me. She stated that he caught dad on me at 2 after hearing my scream real loud. She called a psychiatrist anonymously and ask for help and was told dad would go to prison and I would be taken away. She hung up the phone. It is at this point where I have been doing the..woulda coulda shoulda syndrome. What would have happened if my mom had actually stood her ground? If my mom had of protected me like she was supposed to have...would my life had turned out different? Would I have lived a different life? What would I be like? Would I still be the person I am today? Would I have gone to college and had a career? Would I have been happily married?

I often have thought of if my parents had still been alive, how would our relationship have been today? I watched a bit of the Joyce Meyers story and she said that when her parents had reached a point in their lives, her and her husband had prayed and were led to buy her parents a house near them to take care of and watch her parents. Her dad had sexually abused her in her childhood. She talked about the forgiveness she had for her dad and what God had done for her. They bought the house and moved her parents in and in the latter part of her dad's life he broke down with her and asked for forgiveness and asked for God to come and wash his sins clean. And she did just that. She told him she forgave him. And then watched him accept Christ into his heart. How amazing that would have been to see and witness. The shear strength it took for Joyce to walk that path was remarkable. But it goes to show her faith and trust in God. And I so admire her for that. Her father passed away with a clean slate and going to heaven. And Joyce was there for all of it. The feelings of release that must have felt for her. To have that kind of faith is a true testament to how God works.

Brings me to another point in my life that I remember the one time my dad and I were at his psychiatrists appointments. Part of his parole conditions was that he had mandatory psychiatric help. Sitting with him at one of his appointments he asked me if I had forgiven him for what he had done to me. And I just said yes to please him. He then said something that sticks with me till this day. He said that he was proud of me for standing up and turning him in. He said if I have the courage to do that then I have the courage to do anything and go anywhere. That was one moment where I saw the man that my dad should have been my whole life. But my father has so many "personalities/demons" it quickly faded and he went back to the demeaning/hateful "personality/demon". I began to think about that moment and I believe that man that told me that was the real man my dad was supposed to be but because of his demons he was not allowed to be that man his whole life.

I remember another time in my life where my dad was in a somber mood and I got up the courage to ask him about his life as a kid. He let me in for a brief moment. He told me his dad would hit and beat him and his other siblings as well as rape all of them from a very young age. There was my father, his brother and 3 sisters. To know that my dad was raped by my grandfather did actually floor me. And dad went into a very quiet state and that was the end of that conversation never to be picked up again. I had tried to talk with 2 of my aunts about grandpa and their pasts but the third sister is the leader of the siblings and told them to shut up. So my questions will never be answered.

Bringing it back to the current times a bit...I had done an interview with a columnist from Peoria, Il where I grew up. And it was published in the local paper. It was about my life and some projects I was working on at the time. My dad's side had caught wind of this and the aunt that I consider to be the leader of that clan had her oldest daughter call me and proceed to tell me that if I had pursued any further with my story they woud sue me for slander/libel. And I had announced that I would not back down with their attempts of fear tactics to shut me up and come out with the truth. I recieved another call from my cousin and this time it was not a threat but a put down towards me. She said "Teresa we love you but we want nothing to do with you." Now I have had nothing to do with my dad's side of the family since I saw them at the funeral. She then stated "We know you are a liar and are making everything up." I was not able to get a word in edge wise and she hung up. It started to send me in a downward spiral of depression but I immediately stopped myself because that's what they had wanted to do. That's what that side is all about. Keeping quiet and not revealing the big family secret that has been kept for generations. The hate that family has for me is strong and if they could murder me they probably would. But I thought to myself and typed up a message to them that stated to check the county records of where I turned dad in and what he was convicted and charged of. That should be proof that I am not lying. Fear is that side of the families way of controlling. And I will not be controlled or quiet no matter what threat they issue. This event happened toward the beginning of the year. But my story got told in the local paper there and I am so proud that I didn't back down. I let fear rule me once but not again.

A footnote to the above segment...I had contacted a cousin, another daughter of the leader, and in that conversation  I had told her what our grandfather had done to me and she got all quiet and in that quietness I knew she had been a victim of our grandfather. It was after that phone call that the other daughter of the leader called me with threats. I have never spoken to the cousin again. I suspect she was a victim of that families sickness but has had to keep it hush for fear of whatever they will do to her. I pray for her and that she finds the strength to reach out and step out of the darkness that family has been with for many generations now. I did and I am all the better for it.

Another footnote to a point in time above...I have forgiven all those that have raped/molested/neglected me. From my aunt to my dad. I was able to let go of the anger and hate. And in that release I found peace. That is why when dads side had tried to quiet me this last time I started to back down but I was reminded to stand. Let them throw slurs and rocks at me. I know my journey and God knows my journey. So long as my walk is by faith, I have God as my armor of truth. And I pray they get right before they leave this planet or they will suffer in hell. I am going to leave this here and the next post I will get back to my story. Thank you for reading this blog and God bless.

P.S. I am where I am supposed to be and would not have changed my journey for anything. I love who I am and who God has made me to be! I am beautiful! I am strong! I am happy with me! I have an awesome relationship with God! I have the most beautiful of friends! I will not let fear ever hold me back from speaking or doing anything that is ordained by God to do!

My Story 3

January of 95 I had met my second husband at college. He fell in love with me and I thought I was in love but I just saw it as an opportunity to restart a different life and get another chance at happiness. Now mind you, I had no idea what being a wife nor mother meant, I had no idea what being a human meant. I had nobody to teach me at all. I hated God and I hated myself. In late spring I found out I was pregnant with his first child my third. So we married and moved with his mother from Illinois to Texas. Outside of the short stint to TN with my oldest dad I had never left for that length of a travel before. My husband became a truck driver, he was one year younger than me. February of 96 I gave birth to my second son, Ryan. Let me go back a bit. In December of 95 I had a visit with my parents...my mom did not come over just my dad and he said something that was odd but I chucked it out. He said he doubted that my mom was going to live longer. It sounded odd but I did not pay too much attention to it till mom had died that February. I had my son Feb 7 of 96. His father was not there but stuck somewhere in a snow storm in Alabama. So I was alone again. I had my son and right after I got out of the hospital with him my oldest became deathly ill with pneumonia and was put into hospital. My parents took Ryan so I could be with Danielle. This was around Feb 11 or so. My mom had come up to be with me and Danielle. When I saw her she has a spark of light in her I had not seen in years. I could tell she had not been on  prescript meds for awhile and she actually looked good. She was so in love with my son. He reminded her of her son that died, my brother Donnie. Well, a few days later my mother was found dead in her bed. The coroner had ruled her death suicide. They found a ton of pill bottles by her. The autopsy revealed she was in the last stages of ovarian cancer and all her organs were mush from the years of pill abuse. The police did their own investigation as they suspected dad had maybe murdered her but the state her internal organs were in they could not find anything.

I got a call early in the morning that mom was found dead. I was numb. I had harbored so much anger and hate for this woman. And my thought process was how could she just leave like that. I was so angry at her for dying. I swore and screamed at God. I got to stay on this miserable planet and she got to go home. At this time in my life my concept of being saved was not in my thinking pattern. I just thought you died and went to meet God. And I remember always saying when I get to heaven I am going to have a serious talk with God and chew him out. But with more expletive wording. I remember going up to the casket because I was to make sure my mom looked pristine. And I just stared at her. And I broke down and cried. All my hate and anger came to a boiling point. I cried and begged her to wake up and tell me why she hated me so much. I cried and begged her to wake up and tell me why she never loved me. I cried and begged her to wake up to tell me why she didn't protect me. I wanted her to tell me just why....why. I had so many things I wanted to say to her but I couldn't because she was gone. She laid there peaceful and serene. And that was the end of my moms journey.

After mom died I got married and moved to TX to start my life over, I had a chance at happiness once again and I was determined to make it this time. No more alcohol, no more loose running around. I was going to make my life what my mom was not allowed. Well, this didn't last long. I was not the greatest of moms in the world. I emotionally neglected my kids and did not care or show them love. They would come hug me and I would shove them away. I did not speak in a loving manner to them at all. I took care of the basics with them. Food, clothing, place to sleep, toys. I was so cold to them.

I left my kids a lot with my mother in law to go out and party or drink. My husband would be gone for 2/3 months and then come home for a couple days and then back out on the road again. Yes, I ended up cheating on him with a couple different men. But he did not know so whats the big deal, my thinking pattern at that time. Well, we ended up moving over to Leesville, Louisianna. A place I was first introduced to drive thru liquor barns. We moved there and I had another affair with a military guy. And I was spiraling on a downward hill in every aspect of my life. I hated God, my mom, my dad. I hated my kids and my husband. I was a wreck.

In the summer of 97, I finally broke down and became honest with my husband about my affairs. That was also the time frame I gave up alcohol cold turkey. My husband forgave me and we agreed to move to a different part of town, which we did to make a fresh clean start. August of 97, I got pregnant with my 4th child, Emily. That was actually a happy time in my life. I was excited about life. I woke up to the mother I was being to my 2 children I had already had. I was able to look in a mirror and see a bit of my mom and dad in me raising my kids. And they did not deserve that. They deserved love and to feel safe. And I opened myself up to do that. It felt so good to hug and share with my kids love. I thought I had found my journey in life and all was going to be great. April of 98 I had the most beautiful angel handed into my arms. And I allowed myself to not shut her out. And that felt so good to do.

We moved backed to Dallas for a short time then up to Missouri to be near my husbands work and he could be home more. And life would continue to be happy and nice. We move and things are good to start off with...my mother in law came up for a vacation to see us. A police officer shows up to my house Sept. of 99 with the message that my father was found dead. Now during the duration from my moms death till dads death, dad would call me periodically drunk at all times of the night. Rambling on about all kinds of things. When I got this message, I just shrugged my shoulders and was going to shrug it off but my sister got a hold of me and swore up and down I needed to be there. So we traveled to Illinois. We went to the nice house he had just purchased and there at the house was his family. His sister. The same one who had said I had ruined my dads life, the same one that hugged and supported dad while giving me the evil look of death. Oh how I hated this woman. Well we were all outside the house when she decided to take control and tells everyone to go into the house and look for the will. I was in a state of shock because I was told my dad had nailed all the windows shut, spaced the nails 1 inch apart around the whole window on every window. He nailed all the doors shut the same way. My younger sister had called the fire department to come break a window out and there they had found his decade body in his bed. He had turned up the heat full blast and covered himself with a heavy velvet type blanket. Nobody knew the why to all the dramatics but I knew. My father suffered from multiple personality disorder or what I called possessed by demons. Well, one of his "personalities" hated me for turning him in and had tried to drive me insane from that day forward till his death. Even in his death he was trying to make a statement towards me. As we go into the house because my aunt was so insistent on finding the will, she shoves me into his bedroom telling me to look in the dresser drawers. And as I turn I see the outline of my dads body on the bed. I stopped dead in my tracks. It was later in the day I would question as to why my aunt would shove me in there but I chalk it up to her being pissed at me for ruining her brothers life. As I stare at the outline of a dead body, I started to have memories flood back to me. I go to step over the blanket he used to cover his body with a ton of maggots spill out and I ran out of that room outside gagging. And I look up and my aunt has this evil smile on her face. We found her precious will. I just wanted out of there so bad but my husband convinced me to see it through.

We get to the funeral home and it was myself, my husband, my aunt and her husband, my moms brother and I think my dads brother. The funeral director comes out with a book of different flower displays and flips through them and I see the price and they are 500 to 800 bucks. I spoke up taking over the whole thing and I said, no he gets maybe a weed off the side of the road but no flowers. If someone wanted to splurge for flowers it had to come out of their pocket, not out of the insurance money my dad had left me and my sister, so no flowers. The poor funeral director was so taken back by my attitude. He brings out next a book of caskets priced from 8000 and up and I said, no. What is your cheapest casket. He stuttered and said he had one for 300 bucks and I said that's the one I want. He started to speak and I just looked at him and with grinding teeth I said, that is the one that bastard gets. The room was so quiet and my aunt was furious with red in her face. I shot her a very nasty look of do not even speak you bitch or I will leap across this table and lay you out. The funeral guy was so in a state of shock lol...I laugh so hard about it now because I was like Madea in this situation. The funeral director then proceeds to telling me that the preachers fee was 75 bucks. I shouted out loud "75 bucks for someone to stand up and say what exactly" and my husband then whispered in my ear to let it go and I said fine lol...and I was grumbling to where everyone could hear me about having to pay 75 bucks for a preacher. We go over the type of funeral to have next. I pipe up real loud again and said whats the cheapest you got and we ended up having a graveside funeral for him. We go to the graveside funeral. His whole family is there and I am just as rude as can be. We all sit under a tent and my sister hops up and turns on a radio to play music and I holler out, "you have got to be kidding me, can we make this torture any longer" rolling my eyes. The preacher gets up to speak and I am just making heavy sighs throughout the sermon. I still hated God at this point in time. He finishes up and asks if anyone would like to say anything....hehehe....man did I say something. "Can we get the hell out of here now" is what I had mumbled. But loud enough for everyone around to hear. Funeral ends and we are standing with some of my moms kin folk chatting when the director comes back over to me and asks if they can start lowering the casket...I lost it right there. I yelled I do not care what you do with that bastard. Burn it, float it down a river, put it on display at bastards r us...yes throw the fool in the ground for God's sake. And rolled my eyes at the poor guy. And that was the end of my father's journey.

That period was so hard on me as I had to face the ones who supported him and had helped abuse me. Anger came back full force in me and hate. And with that I will stop there and share more at a later time. Thank you for following this blog and God bless.

My Story part 2

As I look back, I realize both my parents were in a warped world as I entered into adulthood. According to them, I was to turn 18, magically become normal in all aspects of my life, go off to college, marry a nice man, have nice children and lead a happy normal life....well it was far from any of that. Having been raised with sex my whole life I went to what I knew. I became an alcoholic, did some stripping and even became a prostitute for a bit. I was labeled the "black sheep of the family" on my dads side. I had entered into the adult world a ball of hate and anger. I did not care about life at all. I hated God with every fiber of my being. At 19, still living with my parents, I had made an attempt to join the military but my parents negativity towards me made me quit. Anytime I tried to do something positive they would just put me down about it. I remember I tried playing the clarinet around age 11 and all my dad did was make fun of me and laugh at me. In high school I really wanted to try out for track but my dad laughed at me and put me down about it as well as my mom...so I never showed up for the first meeting.

At 19, I traveled with my parents to Memphis, TN to see Graceland. I was in such a deep state of depression I did not care whether I lived or died. I felt trapped by my parents as they had never aided in me getting my driver's license at all. I was too stupid according to them. While in Memphis I met this man who was 20 years older than me and he took me to dinner at a beautiful restaurant  and was so nice to me. So when we got back to IL one night I wrote my parents a note and left in the middle of the night with this guy. He drove all the way from TN to get me and take me back to his home. I had equated his attention to me with love. He showered me with gifts and whatever I wanted. But the dark side was he like really young girls. And he fed my alcohol addiction. He started having me do heavy housework day and night. And if I did not do something right I got hit. Well, it got to the point where I wore out my welcome with him and he sent me back home to my parents. I fell into more of a pit of depression. My parents continued the onslaught of emotional and mental abuse....I was stupid, I was no good, I would never amount to anything. After a month of being home I started getting very sick. Only to come to find out I was pregnant with this guys child. My parents were furious. They controlled every aspect of my life. I was tired of being cooped up, as we lived in a dump of a house out in the country. And I had asked mom if she could take me out somewhere away I had not been out in 4 months at all...I was not allowed. And she talked with my dad and they both told me that if I wanted to go anywhere I had to walk. And that same night, I heard my mom talking to dad and her exact words were "I wish Teresa had of died instead of our son Donnie", because I ruined her world when I turned dad in to the police. I cried like I never cried so hard in my life. I cursed God. So the next morning, at 7 months pregnant I walked the 5 miles into town and just walked around. I stole some money out of moms purse and treated myself to lunch and then walked all the way home again. And my mom was furious because I had a look of confidence for the first time in my life and she envied and hated that. So I thought from this moment I would try to lead a life that my mom was not allowed. I was going to make something of myself to make my mom so mad and jealous. But it didn't work out quite the way I wanted it to. I had a baby girl, my oldest Danielle. She was so beautiful. This tiny little life was put into my arms and I started to love. But right away I shut that love off. I was taught that love was wrong. My daughter just became a thing to take care of  to me. And eventually an annoyance. After having her my parents became even more controlling, I had to dress her how they wanted, I had to feed her what they said to feed her. Eventually, I met a nice young man and he fell in love with me. And my mind I was concocting a way to get out of my parents house and away.

So I married this man. He was in the  Army and I did think that this was it...this was my chance to have a happy life. A chance to make my mom so mad, that I had the freedoms she was not allowed to have.  I started to share friends with this man and go out. We got married right away and life was going to be so happy. He got shipped off to Korea for a TOD and I was left alone again. By this time we moved into a trailer around his parents. And eventually I got bored living the happy wife life. I ended up cheating on him and just made a huge mess of the situation. Needless to say, we divorced and I ended back with my parents again. I was about 21 when this all happened. My anger for God grew stronger. I emotionally shut myself off from my daughter. My parents doted over her and spoiled her with gifts and love. I was shunned once again.

After moving back in with my parents, I had tried college once again but to no avail and no support from my parents, I had to quit. They would not take me nor let me get my license to help myself out of the situation. Trapped again. I cursed God often and hated him so much.

Well, time passes again and I meet another young man. Seemed relatively nice, showed me some attention and instantly I was in love again. So I moved in with him and tried again at a happy life. Over time he became very controlling and abusive towards me. I had to have his permission to use the bathroom even. I became pregnant and knew I had to get away from this man. He revealed to me that he was God and could kill people with his mind or control weather with a thought. So I planned a get away and went into a battered woman's shelter. I was tag teaming with my parents in raising Danielle, my oldest. I started back to college and even lived in dorms. I was doing great. I had the baby and put him up for adoption to a wonderful, loving family. The biological father was declared unfit...go figure...lol...and so the family whisked my son off to parts unknown. This sent me on a severe depression and I was drinking heavier than ever. Ended up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. I had become a stripper for a short bit and this is the time I had turned to prostituting for a bit. This was the winter of 94.

After my short stint of stripping and prostituting I met another man. He attended the same college as me and lived in the dorms as well. He was so shy and sweet. This man would become my second and last husband. We started dating in January of 95 and he fell in love with me. I will leave this here for now and post another at a later time. Thank you for reading this blog and God bless.

My Story

My memories start around the age of 5 as a child. All I remember my childhood being is that of sexual abuse...I do not recall one moment of happiness or laughter. My memories are like a movie trailer...bits and pieces...but I remember enough to form a picture of what happened to me. Why I do not remember the whole traumatic event is a mystery to me. I have tried numerous times to bring back the whole memory but there is a block I have put up. So I quit trying a long time ago. I remember when the abuse got severe I would go into my own little made up world in my head. I had a real mom and dad that loved me and gave me anything I wanted. I was a princess in a fairytale land. There was no pain nor tears, no fear and no need to hide. So I am guessing that my darkest memories are wrapped up in that little world as like a Pandora's box. And I may never know and that is okay. I have excepted what was done to me and am at peace with my abusers.

From age of 6 to 9/10 my father had me, what he called "whored out" to his side of the family as well as a couple of friends of his. My father never talked to me as a father should have. He would always call me his little whore. And speak to me as if I was really one with disgusting sexual talk all the time. To the outside world we appeared to be a normal family. We attended a baptist church and that is what started my seed of hatred for God. Well, my father wanted me to learn how to please other men so he had my grandfather, his dad, rape me on several occasions. And on one occasion when he took me for my "lessons" he did not have me with my grandfather...my cousins were there at my grandparents house. And they took me to the garage where they each took turns making me give them oral sex. And with that memory I will leave it at that as I cannot go any further. I do remember when they were done with me they had taken a kitten from a liter and snapped its neck in front of me and said that this would happen to me if I had ever told anyone. My father also had me with a couple of his friends and with those memories I do not remember much at all...I remember a camera and being naked at 8 maybe and we were out in the woods at a camp site of some sorts. And that is all I can remember. At 9/10 my father stopped "whoring" me out to anyone else. He said he was getting jealous of the other men that wanted to be with me. So he decided to keep me for himself. And he would have his way with me whenever he had the chance. 

At the age of 12 I finally broke down and told my mom. And as I looked back later in life, remembering her reaction to what I had told her, she was stone cold about hearing it. There was no emotion at all. She said she would talk to dad about it and then said nothing after that. I heard dad come home from work and mom confronted him and he actually did not deny it. He said yes to it and promised my mom he would stop. Well, 3 weeks or so would go by with no abuse and then dad would start in again. And I would go tell mom and this same cycle happened till I turned my dad in. In 1984, my middle brother Donnie was hit and killed by a car. This sent my mom on a downward spiral emotionally. She became a zombie, became addicted to heavy sedatives fed to her by my dad. She was always doped up pretty much till her death in 1996. With my mom a zombie my dad had free reign to do his sickness on me at anytime of the day. He even began to taunt me by telling me to go tell mom what he was doing and he would laugh at me.



Mom came in and she was told the cops would have to be called...the counselor left the room and the first words out of my moms mouth were why did you not come to me I could have stopped him. That is how delusional my mother had become over the years. I was so angry with her that a thought came to my head to ask her when did dad start abusing me. Her response is what fueled my anger towards God and life in general...she stated that she heard me screaming at 2 and she caught dad molesting me..she called a psychiatrist anonymously asking for help for dad..she was told that dad would go to prison and I would get taken away. She hung up the phone to never call back again. So for another 15 years she left me at the hands of the most evil, sickest men on the planet. She heard my screams of pain and fear. She heard my tears of want for help. But she turned her back on me that day. And from that day I turned my dad in my mom had the deepest rooted hate for me because I ruined her life, according to her.

My father was sentenced to 6 months in the county jail on a work release program. The first 3 months he got to come home after work on Fridays and had to be back at the jail by 9. The next 3 months he got to spend weekends at home. And there was no supervision at all for these visits. Although the sexual abuse and physical abuse stopped the mental and emotional abuse had increased by both my mom and dad. And even his side of the family. We went to my aunts, his sister, one time and all they did was hug and support my dad with love and kind words while looking at me with disgust and shame. I was told I was evil and should have kept my mouth shut. I ruined my dads life. Once it leaked out into society what dad had done I became the dirty slut to go to for easy sex. Not one adult comforted me. I was shoved aside like dirt. The legal system failed me, my "family" failed me, and what I thought God had failed me as well. I was a ball of hate and anger. I had tried to kill myself several times by taking sleeping pills or stealing my moms meds and shoving them down my throat but I would go into a deep sleep thanking that my pain would end only to wake up throwing up and cursing God for bringing me back to reality.

I will leave my story there and post in another blog more as I transition into adulthood. Thank you all for reading this blog. God bless.

The initial greeting :)

To start off, my name is Teresa. I am a single mom of 4 beautiful kids. Two boys and two girls. My oldest daughter, Danielle, has moved out and off to college and working full time...very proud of my baby girl. The next in line is, Ryan, and he is 15 years of age. He lives with me and I will talk about him from time to time as he has a long story as well that intertwines with my parenting him. Emotional problems stemmed from his childhood and his father today. The next in line is my 13 yr old Emily. She lives in TX with her dad. That's all I will say about that for now lol. And the last but not the least, Mathew. He is a 6 yr old angel that has had a rough start to life as well.

I will be sharing a bit of all of their journeys in regards to my being a single parent. The main focus of this blog will be my life story. My past childhood consists of this...from my memories from age 5 to 17 my father raped/molested/tortured/physically/emotionally/ mentally abused me. I found out at 17 from my mom that she caught dad molesting me at age 2...she called a psychiatrist anonymously and asked for help for dad...she was told that dad would go to prison and I would be taken away. She chose to hang up the phone and never stand up for me. So she knew about the abuse from age 2. My father had me in a kiddie porn ring of sorts...it was him and some of the men on his side of the family. My grandfather and some cousins as well as a couple of his friends. This happened from age 6 to 9/10. My memories are like that of a movie trailer...I remember the events but not the whole event of what happened to me. I guess it was to traumatic for me to fully remember...I may never know. My mind won't give up those memories and it may be that it is for the best. The memories I have now are enough trauma in itself. But I will share my full story on the next blog. This was just a preview of what this blog is going to consist of.

Today I lead a life of shear joy and happiness. My walk is by faith. I have been through the deepest pits of hell and was saved to share my journey with others like me. I call it "My Lighthouse of Hope". This means that God has shined his light on me as well as others and lead us to a path of healing. We can love with no abandon, smile till our mouths hurt and inside we are bursting with joy. We can live a normal life. We can laugh and its felt right down to our soul. We are directed to take this light that God has bestowed on us and shine his light on the "veil of darkness" that Satan has covered over victims. Together they come into the light and learn how to live again and if God leads them they become a part of that "Lighthouse" to shine his light. The light is strong and Satan is scared. So with all that said I pray that this blog grows and reaches out to many as a light.

I do have a support group over at Facebook called "The Lighthouse Project 2011". It is a support group with all walks of life with pasts that are similar. Some are followers of Christ, some are not...but share the same direction to heal and come to understand that living life can be done. God bless you all today!

If you have any questions I will be more than happy to answer to the best of my ability.