Stepping back

I am going to take a break from writing about my story for tonight. But I am going to write about something that has been on my mind lately about my story. There are a couple of key areas in my life that I have been pondering on. One of those areas being when my mom told me about what happened when I was 2...to go back a bit...this happened right after I turned my dad in. The counselor had left the office to call the authorities and mom looked at me with a blank face and asked why I had not come to her. After some silence had past, it came to me to ask her at what age did dad start molesting/raping me. She stated that he caught dad on me at 2 after hearing my scream real loud. She called a psychiatrist anonymously and ask for help and was told dad would go to prison and I would be taken away. She hung up the phone. It is at this point where I have been doing the..woulda coulda shoulda syndrome. What would have happened if my mom had actually stood her ground? If my mom had of protected me like she was supposed to have...would my life had turned out different? Would I have lived a different life? What would I be like? Would I still be the person I am today? Would I have gone to college and had a career? Would I have been happily married?

I often have thought of if my parents had still been alive, how would our relationship have been today? I watched a bit of the Joyce Meyers story and she said that when her parents had reached a point in their lives, her and her husband had prayed and were led to buy her parents a house near them to take care of and watch her parents. Her dad had sexually abused her in her childhood. She talked about the forgiveness she had for her dad and what God had done for her. They bought the house and moved her parents in and in the latter part of her dad's life he broke down with her and asked for forgiveness and asked for God to come and wash his sins clean. And she did just that. She told him she forgave him. And then watched him accept Christ into his heart. How amazing that would have been to see and witness. The shear strength it took for Joyce to walk that path was remarkable. But it goes to show her faith and trust in God. And I so admire her for that. Her father passed away with a clean slate and going to heaven. And Joyce was there for all of it. The feelings of release that must have felt for her. To have that kind of faith is a true testament to how God works.

Brings me to another point in my life that I remember the one time my dad and I were at his psychiatrists appointments. Part of his parole conditions was that he had mandatory psychiatric help. Sitting with him at one of his appointments he asked me if I had forgiven him for what he had done to me. And I just said yes to please him. He then said something that sticks with me till this day. He said that he was proud of me for standing up and turning him in. He said if I have the courage to do that then I have the courage to do anything and go anywhere. That was one moment where I saw the man that my dad should have been my whole life. But my father has so many "personalities/demons" it quickly faded and he went back to the demeaning/hateful "personality/demon". I began to think about that moment and I believe that man that told me that was the real man my dad was supposed to be but because of his demons he was not allowed to be that man his whole life.

I remember another time in my life where my dad was in a somber mood and I got up the courage to ask him about his life as a kid. He let me in for a brief moment. He told me his dad would hit and beat him and his other siblings as well as rape all of them from a very young age. There was my father, his brother and 3 sisters. To know that my dad was raped by my grandfather did actually floor me. And dad went into a very quiet state and that was the end of that conversation never to be picked up again. I had tried to talk with 2 of my aunts about grandpa and their pasts but the third sister is the leader of the siblings and told them to shut up. So my questions will never be answered.

Bringing it back to the current times a bit...I had done an interview with a columnist from Peoria, Il where I grew up. And it was published in the local paper. It was about my life and some projects I was working on at the time. My dad's side had caught wind of this and the aunt that I consider to be the leader of that clan had her oldest daughter call me and proceed to tell me that if I had pursued any further with my story they woud sue me for slander/libel. And I had announced that I would not back down with their attempts of fear tactics to shut me up and come out with the truth. I recieved another call from my cousin and this time it was not a threat but a put down towards me. She said "Teresa we love you but we want nothing to do with you." Now I have had nothing to do with my dad's side of the family since I saw them at the funeral. She then stated "We know you are a liar and are making everything up." I was not able to get a word in edge wise and she hung up. It started to send me in a downward spiral of depression but I immediately stopped myself because that's what they had wanted to do. That's what that side is all about. Keeping quiet and not revealing the big family secret that has been kept for generations. The hate that family has for me is strong and if they could murder me they probably would. But I thought to myself and typed up a message to them that stated to check the county records of where I turned dad in and what he was convicted and charged of. That should be proof that I am not lying. Fear is that side of the families way of controlling. And I will not be controlled or quiet no matter what threat they issue. This event happened toward the beginning of the year. But my story got told in the local paper there and I am so proud that I didn't back down. I let fear rule me once but not again.

A footnote to the above segment...I had contacted a cousin, another daughter of the leader, and in that conversation  I had told her what our grandfather had done to me and she got all quiet and in that quietness I knew she had been a victim of our grandfather. It was after that phone call that the other daughter of the leader called me with threats. I have never spoken to the cousin again. I suspect she was a victim of that families sickness but has had to keep it hush for fear of whatever they will do to her. I pray for her and that she finds the strength to reach out and step out of the darkness that family has been with for many generations now. I did and I am all the better for it.

Another footnote to a point in time above...I have forgiven all those that have raped/molested/neglected me. From my aunt to my dad. I was able to let go of the anger and hate. And in that release I found peace. That is why when dads side had tried to quiet me this last time I started to back down but I was reminded to stand. Let them throw slurs and rocks at me. I know my journey and God knows my journey. So long as my walk is by faith, I have God as my armor of truth. And I pray they get right before they leave this planet or they will suffer in hell. I am going to leave this here and the next post I will get back to my story. Thank you for reading this blog and God bless.

P.S. I am where I am supposed to be and would not have changed my journey for anything. I love who I am and who God has made me to be! I am beautiful! I am strong! I am happy with me! I have an awesome relationship with God! I have the most beautiful of friends! I will not let fear ever hold me back from speaking or doing anything that is ordained by God to do!