Tonight, just doing up the cover for the book and the title brought a heavy sadness mixed with anger in me. I should not have to write my story. I should not have a story to tell. I was supposed to have a childhood where parents were supposed to love and protect me from harm. I was supposed to be a child that uses her imagination and play with dolls or play with other friends. I was supposed to be happy and smile. I was supposed to have parents who taught me right from wrong. My parents were supposed to teach me love and about God. My parents were supposed to support me and encourage me in a positive way. My parents were supposed to let me try things in life no matter how much I sucked at it. I was supposed to have words of love spoken to me. But I was denied all this.
That is why I am so glad God saved me from becoming my parents. I would do the same thing they did to me. I would talk discouragingly to my kids when they wanted to try something new. I would make fun of them and laugh just as my parents did to me. When I was brought to God he stripped me down to nothing. He took who I was and through it back at Satan. And I let him work in me to rebuild a new me. He gave me the ability of discernment first. And this is where I am able to see who is bad and who is good for me. Who is going to bring me down or who is going to uplift and support me as well as guide me with love and let me know when I do or say wrong but tell me with love. And with this gift of discernment I was able to surround myself with the most wonderful friends in the world. Some are on a couple social networks I utilize and some I know personally. God placed them in my life to show me how to live. Some he put in my life for a season and some he has in my life for longer periods of time if not till he calls me home.
He sent these people to me to show me and teach me how to love not only myself but my kids and how to be a mom to my babies. And when I had to look in a mirror at myself I so saw my mom and dad. And I saw all the memories of the putting me down when I tried to do something fun or something to grow. I remember I really wanted to play the clarinet and I got one and started practicing and my parents, my dad mainly, would laugh and say it sounded like a dead whale. He would make me play my music just so he could laugh at me. I would be sitting there crying because he would just down me while I would play for him and mom. So I quit playing the clarinet. And that is where I developed the starting something but not following through with things. No matter what I would start I would never see it through whether it be crocheting a blanket to starting a book. Or I would put the kids into a kid club of some sorts, I would eventually quit taking them. Never seeing the end to anything. And it is still something I have to work on to this day. I see things through more now but at times I feel that quit bug pop up. The old me would cave in but I have a instant button that halts it and I kick into gear and get what needs done to the finish.
So today, if my kids want to try something I encourage them. My oldest son did the musical last year at the high school and it was during the tryouts that it got tough for him. He wanted to quit so bad. And he even called me several times saying he was going to quit. But I kept encouraging him the whole way through and even told him he would regret quitting, He kept at it and he made it to the opening night and the other nights the play was open. He accomplished something and finished something he started. I have never been so proud of him and myself. Because of his sticking with it and me saying words of love and support and encouraging him we both got to see the end of that journey. And I was so proud to see my boy up on that stage singing. And this year, because of that positive reinforcement, he had joined the choir, he is taking it further and trying out for some smaller singing groups this Sunday. And he is trying out for a jazz singing group, my favorite type of music. So encouraging with love does install the ability to see things through and then growth takes place to try different things.
With love all things are possible. God broke me down from who I was and made me who I am now. I love the process and seeing what he has led me through. I pray I never stop learning to grow into who he wants me to be. I will make it through this project and God will be there till the end and after this journey is over he will lead me to greater things. I love my life and who God has put in my life to learn from. Thank you God. I will leave it here tonight. Thank you and God bless.
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