Puzzle Pieces

I had a session with my therapist this week and we talked about a private message I received from someone that had read my blog. In the comment was, they had wondered why I had not gone dissociative during all my years of abuse. I had to ask her, my therapist, what this meant. And she said that a person that has experienced trauma sometimes their emotional state breaks down into other "personalities". It is a coping mechanism to deal with the trauma. And we talked about how my father was diagnosed by his psychiatrist as having multiple personality disorder, which I had already known. And then we got to talking about that place I would go to when I was being abused and why I cannot remember some of the trauma that was done to me.

When I would be being raped or molested or being made to perform some sort of sexual act on my grandpa or my dad or any of the others that hurt me I would retreat into my mind. I have touched on this before in earlier blogs. My brain holds very dark memories. And I call that place my own "Pandora's box". I had my own little world made up. I was a beautiful princess and we lived in a huge mansion.  I had friends to play with and we could travel anywhere in the world because we were endlessly rich. I got to meet famous people and hang with them. It was my version of reality. I think I started my world around 6 perhaps. It was when my dad had me going to his side of the family and friends.

I have tried over the years in my adulthood to access that world to bring out the memories that are a black area to me. But I start to get violent headaches so I have to stop trying to remember. And when we touched on being dissociative she told me that my going into that world that I had created was a form of being dissociative. And I do not like that being pinned on me. But she said it was my only way of coping with what these men where doing to me. And that the memories may never come back to me because I may not be able to handle the full scale of what was done to me.

I fell asleep tonight and it was an all of a sudden sleep. And I slept for 30 minutes, give or take. And when I woke I had some memories flow through my head. And again they are still like a movie trailer. And that is what pisses me off the most about this. I am sick of the bits and pieces. Just let the whole memory come out. The one I am remembering the most tonight is my dad had me at a creek. We took this gray motor scooter he had. I may have been 11/12. I can hear water running when I close my eyes. I see woods and a creek. I remember a bit of what he was saying to me....and the main thing that sticks out is he was going to take me skinny dipping and that I would like it. And I remember the motor scooter and he did something to me on it...I do not know if he raped me I cannot remember but I remember pain. I do not remember anything else. I do not know if he forced me to skinny dip with him or not. That is what is so frustrating about this. I just remember his words and the surroundings. And another memory that came back was it was one of my dads friends...he took me to a wooded area, I want to say a place called Raccoon Lakes and I remember a tent and a camera. I remember crying because I was hurt somehow but that is all I remember. I was maybe 7/8. And what is frustrating is that I want to remember everything about these incidents. Why can't I remember? It hurts more to go through this and I think it would be to just experience the whole memory.

As I go through this tonight I hear my dad's side of the family in my head when they called me a liar and that none of the stuff I said in the past when I turned my dad in and as an adult is true. That just riles me up inside and I want to go all out gang buster up there and force them to hear every detail of what that man and what my grandfather and what my step-cousins did to me.

I am reaching my calming down point. I do some deep breath exercises I have learned and I clear my mind and pray at the same time. I am in my head, with my eyes closed. I have a couple candles lit and everything off. Both kids in bed and it is all quiet. And I am able to write this. This has been so therapeutic for me. People would tell me to write my emotions or memories or whatever out on paper. And I would try it and I would get impatient because I hated writing. But today as I am much older lol I am really enjoying it. It takes me out of my realm and out of myself and calms me down. Makes me focus.

I am done writing tonight and will try and focus on writing more about my life story this week. I just felt it important to share this as it is what I call an episode. I do not have many flashbacks but wanted to share a bit about what one is like for me. Thank you taking the time to read this blog. God bless.