My Story Part 4

When my father was being lowered into the ground all I wanted to do was get back home to Missouri. I hated Illinois and wanted to get away from it all. But my uncle from my mom's side of the family invited myself, my then husband and my sister out for dinner. He wanted to talk to us. At dinner he said that he saw greed in both mine and my sisters eyes. My father left a nice insurance police or us both. Hence, why he has a very cheap funeral. And my uncle was partially right. I did let greed get to me. But my thinking was that money was owed to me for all those years of hell I had been through with my dad and mom. I felt I was entitled to it. I just kept my mouth shut, ate away and then we left back to Missouri to live that happy life...not.

My dad killing himself and then having to see the aftermath of what looked like a set of a horror movie, the spot where he killed himself. It did something to my brain. I started to break down. Suddenly I had nobody to hate. My mom was dead and now my dad was dead by his own hand. I could hate God but I already did that. My parents were not able to live anymore but I was left behind to continue to live in this miserable earth. I did not know about what it took to get to heaven or hell yet. So my mind was thinking mom and dad were dancing in the clouds making fun of me because I was left behind. Which inflamed my hate and anger more.

A couple of months flew by and I finally got dads insurance. I took a portion and blew it on a trip back to Illinois but not for fun. On this trip I would have my third affair on my husband. I do not remember much about this time period because my mind broke down. This was over the New Year of 99 going into 2000. Instead of being with my kids and husband I was in an expensive hotel room having an affair. I felt so guilty afterwards. I went back to Missouri depressed and more down than I had ever been. Life started to crumble again. We ended moving back to TX again with his mother, again. What led up to moving was in February of 2000 my kids contracted a severe bad form of pneumonia as I did to. I called my husband and begged him to come home to help me. But he choose to go to TX to see his mom to check on her. He did this regularly. I had begged him on a few occasions to come home because I was so overwhelmed with being alone with kids. I needed him and he said he needed to keep and eye on his mom. So when he said this I had decided that our marriage was over and moved back to TX with his mom where I was going to plan to just break away and leave.

In the summer of 2000 I was having female problems. Tests came back that showed I had the start of cervical cancer cells. I begged my husband to come home and be with me but he said he had to stay on the road. So I went through treatments alone raising my kids living with his mother. Well, I had finally had it and told Randy I wanted a divorce. He broke down like a baby and cried. I felt sorry a bit for him. But I wanted out. We both had committed no no's  in the marriage and it just was not working. And I had another affair with a neighbor there and I just had to break away. So one night I decided to take the kids to a woman's abuse shelter. I will not go into the reasons as to why a woman's abuse shelter right now. But his mother found out what I was doing and took my 2 kids and locked herself in her room with them. I could hear them crying and screaming. I had to call the cops to get her to release them but I finally broke away from that life from that man from that mother of his. I was free...for a bit.



This Chaplain called me back and she said some things to me that got me to open my eyes to God. This was another point in my life where God was really trying to reach me hard and I took hold of this. I met the woman and she would show me what it would mean to learn to love myself and my kids. She would show me how to be a mom. It would take years to do but she did not give up on me. She stood by me through thick and thin. She corrected me when I needed it and gave me encouragement. She still does to this day. God so blessed me with a great woman of God just an awesome lady to have as a "mom". This is the time period where I would come to know God but only at a distance. I would not allow him to take control over my life because I had to control it lol...good that had done me so far in life. But I got introduced to God as well as my kids. And my excuse to go to church was so my kids could get the chance that was stolen from me. I wanted them to get to know God and lead a life that I was never to have as a kid. LOL...only to learn later in life that God is with us 24/7 and at anytime of the day or night anyone can turn to him and let him come in. But again, it took some more time for me to come to this point. I harbored a lot of anger and hate and now confusion.

I will leave it there for tonight and focus more on my story later tomorrow. I thank you for reading this blog and God bless.