My Story part 2

As I look back, I realize both my parents were in a warped world as I entered into adulthood. According to them, I was to turn 18, magically become normal in all aspects of my life, go off to college, marry a nice man, have nice children and lead a happy normal life....well it was far from any of that. Having been raised with sex my whole life I went to what I knew. I became an alcoholic, did some stripping and even became a prostitute for a bit. I was labeled the "black sheep of the family" on my dads side. I had entered into the adult world a ball of hate and anger. I did not care about life at all. I hated God with every fiber of my being. At 19, still living with my parents, I had made an attempt to join the military but my parents negativity towards me made me quit. Anytime I tried to do something positive they would just put me down about it. I remember I tried playing the clarinet around age 11 and all my dad did was make fun of me and laugh at me. In high school I really wanted to try out for track but my dad laughed at me and put me down about it as well as my mom...so I never showed up for the first meeting.

At 19, I traveled with my parents to Memphis, TN to see Graceland. I was in such a deep state of depression I did not care whether I lived or died. I felt trapped by my parents as they had never aided in me getting my driver's license at all. I was too stupid according to them. While in Memphis I met this man who was 20 years older than me and he took me to dinner at a beautiful restaurant  and was so nice to me. So when we got back to IL one night I wrote my parents a note and left in the middle of the night with this guy. He drove all the way from TN to get me and take me back to his home. I had equated his attention to me with love. He showered me with gifts and whatever I wanted. But the dark side was he like really young girls. And he fed my alcohol addiction. He started having me do heavy housework day and night. And if I did not do something right I got hit. Well, it got to the point where I wore out my welcome with him and he sent me back home to my parents. I fell into more of a pit of depression. My parents continued the onslaught of emotional and mental abuse....I was stupid, I was no good, I would never amount to anything. After a month of being home I started getting very sick. Only to come to find out I was pregnant with this guys child. My parents were furious. They controlled every aspect of my life. I was tired of being cooped up, as we lived in a dump of a house out in the country. And I had asked mom if she could take me out somewhere away I had not been out in 4 months at all...I was not allowed. And she talked with my dad and they both told me that if I wanted to go anywhere I had to walk. And that same night, I heard my mom talking to dad and her exact words were "I wish Teresa had of died instead of our son Donnie", because I ruined her world when I turned dad in to the police. I cried like I never cried so hard in my life. I cursed God. So the next morning, at 7 months pregnant I walked the 5 miles into town and just walked around. I stole some money out of moms purse and treated myself to lunch and then walked all the way home again. And my mom was furious because I had a look of confidence for the first time in my life and she envied and hated that. So I thought from this moment I would try to lead a life that my mom was not allowed. I was going to make something of myself to make my mom so mad and jealous. But it didn't work out quite the way I wanted it to. I had a baby girl, my oldest Danielle. She was so beautiful. This tiny little life was put into my arms and I started to love. But right away I shut that love off. I was taught that love was wrong. My daughter just became a thing to take care of  to me. And eventually an annoyance. After having her my parents became even more controlling, I had to dress her how they wanted, I had to feed her what they said to feed her. Eventually, I met a nice young man and he fell in love with me. And my mind I was concocting a way to get out of my parents house and away.

So I married this man. He was in the  Army and I did think that this was it...this was my chance to have a happy life. A chance to make my mom so mad, that I had the freedoms she was not allowed to have.  I started to share friends with this man and go out. We got married right away and life was going to be so happy. He got shipped off to Korea for a TOD and I was left alone again. By this time we moved into a trailer around his parents. And eventually I got bored living the happy wife life. I ended up cheating on him and just made a huge mess of the situation. Needless to say, we divorced and I ended back with my parents again. I was about 21 when this all happened. My anger for God grew stronger. I emotionally shut myself off from my daughter. My parents doted over her and spoiled her with gifts and love. I was shunned once again.

After moving back in with my parents, I had tried college once again but to no avail and no support from my parents, I had to quit. They would not take me nor let me get my license to help myself out of the situation. Trapped again. I cursed God often and hated him so much.

Well, time passes again and I meet another young man. Seemed relatively nice, showed me some attention and instantly I was in love again. So I moved in with him and tried again at a happy life. Over time he became very controlling and abusive towards me. I had to have his permission to use the bathroom even. I became pregnant and knew I had to get away from this man. He revealed to me that he was God and could kill people with his mind or control weather with a thought. So I planned a get away and went into a battered woman's shelter. I was tag teaming with my parents in raising Danielle, my oldest. I started back to college and even lived in dorms. I was doing great. I had the baby and put him up for adoption to a wonderful, loving family. The biological father was declared unfit...go figure...lol...and so the family whisked my son off to parts unknown. This sent me on a severe depression and I was drinking heavier than ever. Ended up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. I had become a stripper for a short bit and this is the time I had turned to prostituting for a bit. This was the winter of 94.

After my short stint of stripping and prostituting I met another man. He attended the same college as me and lived in the dorms as well. He was so shy and sweet. This man would become my second and last husband. We started dating in January of 95 and he fell in love with me. I will leave this here for now and post another at a later time. Thank you for reading this blog and God bless.