My Story 3

January of 95 I had met my second husband at college. He fell in love with me and I thought I was in love but I just saw it as an opportunity to restart a different life and get another chance at happiness. Now mind you, I had no idea what being a wife nor mother meant, I had no idea what being a human meant. I had nobody to teach me at all. I hated God and I hated myself. In late spring I found out I was pregnant with his first child my third. So we married and moved with his mother from Illinois to Texas. Outside of the short stint to TN with my oldest dad I had never left for that length of a travel before. My husband became a truck driver, he was one year younger than me. February of 96 I gave birth to my second son, Ryan. Let me go back a bit. In December of 95 I had a visit with my parents...my mom did not come over just my dad and he said something that was odd but I chucked it out. He said he doubted that my mom was going to live longer. It sounded odd but I did not pay too much attention to it till mom had died that February. I had my son Feb 7 of 96. His father was not there but stuck somewhere in a snow storm in Alabama. So I was alone again. I had my son and right after I got out of the hospital with him my oldest became deathly ill with pneumonia and was put into hospital. My parents took Ryan so I could be with Danielle. This was around Feb 11 or so. My mom had come up to be with me and Danielle. When I saw her she has a spark of light in her I had not seen in years. I could tell she had not been on  prescript meds for awhile and she actually looked good. She was so in love with my son. He reminded her of her son that died, my brother Donnie. Well, a few days later my mother was found dead in her bed. The coroner had ruled her death suicide. They found a ton of pill bottles by her. The autopsy revealed she was in the last stages of ovarian cancer and all her organs were mush from the years of pill abuse. The police did their own investigation as they suspected dad had maybe murdered her but the state her internal organs were in they could not find anything.

I got a call early in the morning that mom was found dead. I was numb. I had harbored so much anger and hate for this woman. And my thought process was how could she just leave like that. I was so angry at her for dying. I swore and screamed at God. I got to stay on this miserable planet and she got to go home. At this time in my life my concept of being saved was not in my thinking pattern. I just thought you died and went to meet God. And I remember always saying when I get to heaven I am going to have a serious talk with God and chew him out. But with more expletive wording. I remember going up to the casket because I was to make sure my mom looked pristine. And I just stared at her. And I broke down and cried. All my hate and anger came to a boiling point. I cried and begged her to wake up and tell me why she hated me so much. I cried and begged her to wake up and tell me why she never loved me. I cried and begged her to wake up to tell me why she didn't protect me. I wanted her to tell me just why....why. I had so many things I wanted to say to her but I couldn't because she was gone. She laid there peaceful and serene. And that was the end of my moms journey.

After mom died I got married and moved to TX to start my life over, I had a chance at happiness once again and I was determined to make it this time. No more alcohol, no more loose running around. I was going to make my life what my mom was not allowed. Well, this didn't last long. I was not the greatest of moms in the world. I emotionally neglected my kids and did not care or show them love. They would come hug me and I would shove them away. I did not speak in a loving manner to them at all. I took care of the basics with them. Food, clothing, place to sleep, toys. I was so cold to them.

I left my kids a lot with my mother in law to go out and party or drink. My husband would be gone for 2/3 months and then come home for a couple days and then back out on the road again. Yes, I ended up cheating on him with a couple different men. But he did not know so whats the big deal, my thinking pattern at that time. Well, we ended up moving over to Leesville, Louisianna. A place I was first introduced to drive thru liquor barns. We moved there and I had another affair with a military guy. And I was spiraling on a downward hill in every aspect of my life. I hated God, my mom, my dad. I hated my kids and my husband. I was a wreck.

In the summer of 97, I finally broke down and became honest with my husband about my affairs. That was also the time frame I gave up alcohol cold turkey. My husband forgave me and we agreed to move to a different part of town, which we did to make a fresh clean start. August of 97, I got pregnant with my 4th child, Emily. That was actually a happy time in my life. I was excited about life. I woke up to the mother I was being to my 2 children I had already had. I was able to look in a mirror and see a bit of my mom and dad in me raising my kids. And they did not deserve that. They deserved love and to feel safe. And I opened myself up to do that. It felt so good to hug and share with my kids love. I thought I had found my journey in life and all was going to be great. April of 98 I had the most beautiful angel handed into my arms. And I allowed myself to not shut her out. And that felt so good to do.

We moved backed to Dallas for a short time then up to Missouri to be near my husbands work and he could be home more. And life would continue to be happy and nice. We move and things are good to start off with...my mother in law came up for a vacation to see us. A police officer shows up to my house Sept. of 99 with the message that my father was found dead. Now during the duration from my moms death till dads death, dad would call me periodically drunk at all times of the night. Rambling on about all kinds of things. When I got this message, I just shrugged my shoulders and was going to shrug it off but my sister got a hold of me and swore up and down I needed to be there. So we traveled to Illinois. We went to the nice house he had just purchased and there at the house was his family. His sister. The same one who had said I had ruined my dads life, the same one that hugged and supported dad while giving me the evil look of death. Oh how I hated this woman. Well we were all outside the house when she decided to take control and tells everyone to go into the house and look for the will. I was in a state of shock because I was told my dad had nailed all the windows shut, spaced the nails 1 inch apart around the whole window on every window. He nailed all the doors shut the same way. My younger sister had called the fire department to come break a window out and there they had found his decade body in his bed. He had turned up the heat full blast and covered himself with a heavy velvet type blanket. Nobody knew the why to all the dramatics but I knew. My father suffered from multiple personality disorder or what I called possessed by demons. Well, one of his "personalities" hated me for turning him in and had tried to drive me insane from that day forward till his death. Even in his death he was trying to make a statement towards me. As we go into the house because my aunt was so insistent on finding the will, she shoves me into his bedroom telling me to look in the dresser drawers. And as I turn I see the outline of my dads body on the bed. I stopped dead in my tracks. It was later in the day I would question as to why my aunt would shove me in there but I chalk it up to her being pissed at me for ruining her brothers life. As I stare at the outline of a dead body, I started to have memories flood back to me. I go to step over the blanket he used to cover his body with a ton of maggots spill out and I ran out of that room outside gagging. And I look up and my aunt has this evil smile on her face. We found her precious will. I just wanted out of there so bad but my husband convinced me to see it through.

We get to the funeral home and it was myself, my husband, my aunt and her husband, my moms brother and I think my dads brother. The funeral director comes out with a book of different flower displays and flips through them and I see the price and they are 500 to 800 bucks. I spoke up taking over the whole thing and I said, no he gets maybe a weed off the side of the road but no flowers. If someone wanted to splurge for flowers it had to come out of their pocket, not out of the insurance money my dad had left me and my sister, so no flowers. The poor funeral director was so taken back by my attitude. He brings out next a book of caskets priced from 8000 and up and I said, no. What is your cheapest casket. He stuttered and said he had one for 300 bucks and I said that's the one I want. He started to speak and I just looked at him and with grinding teeth I said, that is the one that bastard gets. The room was so quiet and my aunt was furious with red in her face. I shot her a very nasty look of do not even speak you bitch or I will leap across this table and lay you out. The funeral guy was so in a state of shock lol...I laugh so hard about it now because I was like Madea in this situation. The funeral director then proceeds to telling me that the preachers fee was 75 bucks. I shouted out loud "75 bucks for someone to stand up and say what exactly" and my husband then whispered in my ear to let it go and I said fine lol...and I was grumbling to where everyone could hear me about having to pay 75 bucks for a preacher. We go over the type of funeral to have next. I pipe up real loud again and said whats the cheapest you got and we ended up having a graveside funeral for him. We go to the graveside funeral. His whole family is there and I am just as rude as can be. We all sit under a tent and my sister hops up and turns on a radio to play music and I holler out, "you have got to be kidding me, can we make this torture any longer" rolling my eyes. The preacher gets up to speak and I am just making heavy sighs throughout the sermon. I still hated God at this point in time. He finishes up and asks if anyone would like to say anything....hehehe....man did I say something. "Can we get the hell out of here now" is what I had mumbled. But loud enough for everyone around to hear. Funeral ends and we are standing with some of my moms kin folk chatting when the director comes back over to me and asks if they can start lowering the casket...I lost it right there. I yelled I do not care what you do with that bastard. Burn it, float it down a river, put it on display at bastards r us...yes throw the fool in the ground for God's sake. And rolled my eyes at the poor guy. And that was the end of my father's journey.

That period was so hard on me as I had to face the ones who supported him and had helped abuse me. Anger came back full force in me and hate. And with that I will stop there and share more at a later time. Thank you for following this blog and God bless.