Triggers could be tied to anything....the actual event of seeing a child abused, the sound of a voice, the usage of words..all those are some of my triggers. Some others are smells, scents, odors of people or food. I smell the odor of say grilled cheese being cooked and that will bring up a memory of my childhood and it takes me back to that exact moment in life...and I remember everything in that past moment. Once trigger used to be smell or odor. It would instantly trigger the fear of my dad coming for me or looking for me. I would take a whiff of this odor and panic would start to set in...even though my dad was dead that smell would send shivers down my back. I would look around in a paranoid state thinking he was near me. I do not suffer from the odor trigger at all. That has been removed from me.
Watching and hearing about all these babies in the news being beat, raped, molested, starved, tortured just brought a flood of feeling of fear and panic back to me and I remembered a couple deeply buried memories that just flew at me out of the blue. And I cannot control when these memories pop up.
One thing I have not revealed is that I do not like being in big crowds. Being around people, especially big crowds were a big challenge for me. Because I would get anxious and confused. I would be short tempered and snippy with everyone. I am still working on this aspect but have come a long way.
I can tolerate people now and be around crowds for a short period of time. If I make a run to the grocery store I know what I want and I go straight in and grab my items and get out. My poor kids lol...sometimes I have a tendency to be rude to people because they are in my way...such as there are a group of 3-4 carts blocking an isle I need to go down and I see that I have to travel all the way down the next isle to get the item I need in the isle that is being blocked...I just speak up and say excuse me a few times lol...and they hear me cause I am kinda loud about it lol...my poor son just shakes his head and chuckles lol...but they move out of the way and I smile and say thank you as I pass by lol.
Going to the kids events at school was a huge challenge for me as well....but I had to because I wanted my kids to know that I was there to support them no matter what. In those cases it was not about me, it was about my kids needing that support. I did not want to be like my parents and just ignore my kids events or not show up at all. Because of my years of being a single mom and making sure I did not get or let anyone get close to me...I come across to people I meet as a cold or rude. When in reality I am not that way. But, again, I have come a long long way. I can associate with people and socialize without getting ancy or go into panic mode. I choose these people wisely though. I use prayer and discernment with people I let or not let come into my life.
Back to the triggers...even sounds can be a trigger...last night watching a video it was the sound of the belt being used on that poor angel. And that sound led to a specific event where my dad used a belt on me. And it brought up another memory where my dad severely abused our dog. In those memories I remembered the sounds more than anything. I remember the belts sound as it hit me...with my dad abusing our dog I remember the sounds the dog was making. Those reverberated in my head and sent me into panic mode, sheets of tears, rain of anger and loosing control of myself and sharing those memories to the public. But afterward, I could not get a hold of my therapist, I did do my breathing techniques and went into prayer. Been quiet all day and I am at peace. The memories are there but I can handle them now...I have overcome. The sounds are gone now because I have overcome.
I do not know if I will ever not stop having flashbacks due to triggers. My mind holds many many dark memories that I cannot remember. I am coming to a point in my life where I am going to be called out to tell my story to people. I am going to be asked to share my journey and what God has brought me through to people. And God is working in me to do that one day in his timing. He will give me the courage and his strength to stand and speak out to people. So long as I keep my eyes focused on him I cannot go wrong or astray. I am in, what I call the last stages of God working in me to be prepared to share my journey. Once God gets done with that he will continue to work on other aspects and new aspects of life that I will be confronted with after my surgery. And, again, if I keep in his will for me he will not leave me stranded.
For the triggers that bring about flashbacks, today I control my breathing and then I go into a deep prayer and get real quiet. I turn everything possible off so there is no noise. I clear my head, close my eyes and then pray. And I let the Lord walk me through flashbacks. Last night I slipped a bit and aired memories that were coming back to me on facebook...I was going to take them down but I decided not to...I want people to see what the effect of abuse has on people like me. I want the world to have a taste of my world so they can see what abuse is and does. I wish I would have started this blog years ago during the harsh part of my life lol...but today God has people in my life and has given me tools to keep myself grounded in his will and his peace. May those still suffering find the light to heal through God. It can be done. Thank you and God bless.
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